Maeghan's Birth of Bella and Bree

Maeghan's Birth of Bella and Bree

Birth of ID Twin Girls

Bella and Bree

First you need to know some background information. I have two older children: Alyson who will be 6 in May and Layla who is 4. When Layla was about 18 months old, I started getting sick. It was weird. See she was still nursing and slowly self-weaning. The less she nursed the more symptoms I had. When she turned 2 I had to cut her off completely because I was just to sick. After seeing what seemed like a thousand doctors, I got a diagnosis of Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease.I was also told that I could not have any more children because my ovaries were not working any more. I had planned on having surgery to have my ovaries removed. However during my pre-surgical testing, I found out I was pregnant! I was shocked and scared! Not only was I pregnant, but I was pregnant with TWINS! How was I going to carry this pregnancy with this disease? I also had a diagnosis of thyroid cancer during the pregnancy that had to be managed carefully.  How am I going to take care of 4 children when I am still so sick that I cannot get out of bed most days? We did the only thing we knew to do and we decided to place the twins up for adoption. Melanie and Ben are the adoptive parents. 

Anyways, on with the birth story!!!

It took me FOREVER to find a doctor who would "allow" me to deliver naturally My EDD was August 22, 2010. I was determined to have a natural vaginal delivery and avoid a c-section at all costs. My disease makes it hard for me to heal and I get infections really easily. It was safer for me and the babies to deliver vaginally. At 30 weeks, I finally found an OB who agreed to let me deliver naturally as long as I was in the OR. I thought that was weird but I said okay! I was getting frustrated by that point and just wanted to settle down with one OB. You should also know that the twins were ID twins. They shared a placenta, were in separate inner sacs, and shared an outer sac. 

I went into pre-term labor several times starting at 20 weeks. I stayed dilated 3/4 and 70% effaced for the rest of my pregnancy. I also had an irritable uterus. I would contract regularly and it would be nothing. I was always so scared that I wouldn't know when labor was coming. I went in to the hospital so many times. July 21 2010, at 34 weeks gestation, I woke up to painful contractions. I didn't think much of it. I just tried to take it easy. I made it through the day but something felt different. The contractions were the same as they had been my whole pregnancy but I had a feeling in my gut and one baby in my pelvis. lol Around midnight, after trying to get some sleep and failing, my husband and I decided we should go to the hospital and get checked. I called Melanie and Ben to let them know we were going up there and that I would let them know what they said. Well, they checked me and I was dilated to 4, 100% effaced, and baby A was at a 0 station. I was in labor! They started me on IV fluids and IV antibiotics due to my heart condition. 

http://www.viddler.com/v/ebc8f656 I called Melanie and Ben and told them what was going on and they headed up to the hospital. It was about 3 in the morning on July 22 2010. You could tell we were all tired and we had some fun during my early labor. We were all delirious and laughed so much that I am pretty sure it sped up my labor! lol My labor seemed to be going slow. I got up and walked around. I was only allowed to walk for 15 minutes and then I had to get put back on the monitor for 15 minutes. I did this for a few hours. I also used the birth ball! It was amazing! At this point, the only people in the room were my husband, Melanie and Ben, my grandmother, and my best friend Andrea. Well the pain was getting to be to much and I was so tired because I had not slept in almost 24 hours so I asked for an IV pain medication. This was around 11:30am. The nurse checked me and I was only dilated to 5. Well, we told Melanie and Ben to go grab some lunch. I still had a ways to go and I wanted to rest some. Well, that was a huge mistake!

About 30 minutes later I started to feel pressure. The nurse checked me and she was shocked to see that I was fully dilated and she could see baby A's head! She immediately called for help. It was funny because the nurses were fighting to be in the room. I was the first vaginal twin birth in that hospital in 5 years. They were all excited! I start screaming I had to push but they said I can't until they get me to the OR. I told my husband to call Melanie and Ben because Melanie wanted to be in the room when I gave birth. My husband just said "You need to get here, fast. She is having the babies NOW!" The nurses asked who I wanted in there with me and I said since Melanie wasn't there that I wanted my best friend Andrea. Mainly because my husband doesn't do well at births.  Our first he threw up and our second he passed out. lol Anyways, They start running my bed down the hallway and I am screaming "she is coming out". Which she was, I reached down and I could feel her head! They kept telling me not to push but my body made me! I'm pretty sure I scared everyone in the waiting room since we had to run past it to get to the OR. lol The minute we got in the OR, half a push and out comes baby A, Bella!  She was born at 12:28 PM weighing 5lbs 1 oz. and 17 1/2 in. long!  

I kept asking how she was and no one would answer me. I got pissed and yelled at the nurse. I wanted to know if she was okay!  They were considered premature! Well, Melanie came running in literally 2 minutes after Bella was born! She heard me asking about Bella and so she answered me! My doctor was trying to get me to go ahead and push again but I knew it wasn't time. I could feel baby B turning and moving into position in my belly. The contractions hadn't picked up again yet. I told him no and he argued with me but it didn't matter. I knew what I was doing and I knew it wasn't time to push. Well, I finally felt pressure and the contractions picked up!  Baby B, Bree, came out hands first at 12:31 pm after only 3 pushes! She weighed 4lbs 8 oz. and 17 in. long. Bella and Bree, even though they were premature, had absolutely no problems. I was so relieved when I heard they were okay! I was so worried since I was only 34 weeks and I had tons of health issues during the pregnancy. I had decided that I wanted to give the girls breast milk so I started pumping every 2 hours. I had to stop at about 6 weeks. It was just to hard to keep pumping when I had no babies there.

anyways, when we got moved to our new room, the nurses also make the room next door for Melanie and Ben so their family could come visit them and see the babies. I got to keep the babies with me most of the time though. Melanie slept there with me. We had so much fun together! My daughters came to meet them. Our youngest, Layla, didn't quite understand what was going on but our oldest, Alyson, did. We decided to let her spend some alone time with us and the babies. She cried and asked to keep them. It broke my heart. Melanie promised her that she would be able to see them and they would always be sisters. The sad part is, once the adoption was finalized, Melanie and Ben pulled away and cut contact with us. Alyson still asks me when she will get to see them because Melanie promised. I am not sure how to answer her. I am working hard to try and get the open adoption that we were supposed to have. See there are no laws to protect birth parents in Alabama. We just simply made an agreement. There was no way to enforce it. It's been almost 2 years and I am still trying. I'm not going to give up. 

You can use whatever pictures you like. I just added a bunch for you to chose from! :-)  Here is the video I made also! 

Tags: birth, birth stories on demand, twin birth story, vaginal twin birth story, adoption stories, birth mother adoption story, vaginal birth of twins, adoption rights, birth mother, adoptive mother

Jen's Adoption of Bob

This story was used by permission from Jen's blog http://www.oneultimatehealth.com/blog/2012/1/4/bobs-adoption-story.html

Jen is a personal trainer and fitness guru.  Be sure to check out her website and see all of the awesomeness!

I always thought I would have kids lots of them, but it just didn't work out that way. Even though I had that in mind for a long time it is ok how it all worked out. 

The summer of 2010 I decided to become licensed in foster care for my, at the time, 16 year old nephew. He came to live with me before when he was 13 and it didn't work out for him then and had moved out. We thought we would try it again. 

He moved in in June that same year and Bob moved in at the end of July also in 2010. My nephew and Bob did not really get along but there were moments of could be brotherly love. 

Bob came from many other foster homes and was in foster care for 13 years and during those 13 years had been adopted by two other families. Without going into too much detail let's just say that he went through a lot in his short lifetime. More than anyone would care to go through in their entire lives. 

He came out on top with a positive attitude and calming demeanor. He's really got a lot he can teach others and when people say "Jen you really are doing a great thing for him." I say in return, "no he's doing a great thing for me."

My nephew moved out in November of the same year and Bob stayed with me. He was doing fine with the exception of failing a few classes in school due to having no interest in all the menial homework. 

Our relationsip grew over the next year and by November 2011 I had decided it was time to adopt him. I didn't want him to go anywhere else and calling him my son would make me proud.

As you may know when you are in foster care you have a lot of people in your back pocket. There's his caseworker, counselor, adoption agent, case load teacher at school, lawyer for the routine 6 month court case for placement.

With Christmas creeping up I had an idea to surprise Bob with my intention to adopt as a Christmas present in front of my family. I told no one except a few close friends about my idea. They loved it. We had to go through all the necessary steps to make sure Bob was ok being adopted again and by me. All was set and he agreed even though he still had no idea it was coming.  

I told them to keep the secret until Christmas. I wanted to surprise him and not give it away. They all agreed to not tell Bob that he was about to be adopted for the third time. 

It was Christmas (or the day before) at my moms two hours away from our home. All the presents had been opened except one last gift that was for him. He had no idea. He didn't even notice this wrapped box beneath his feet at the base of our tree at home. 

I moved off the couch with him and handed him the gift and moved across the room to sit with my mom. He had a pleasant look upon his face but not for knowing what he was about to receive. The gift was wrapped, I would like to say neatly here but my wrapping skills are worse than a 3rd graders, in a shirt box.

He unwrapped the box and removed the lid and set it next to him. He peered inside the box beyond the tissue paper and immediately went a little white in the face. He replaced the tissue paper and put the lid back on. I said, "Bob take it out and show everyone, no one knows what's in there."

To which he responded so coolly, "Jen, I am trying to hold back tears." I was already crying at this point I was so excited for him and happy to call him my son. I went over to him as he reopened the box. He pulled out a copy of an adoption certificate which I had made him on the computer and placed it in a nice picture frame he handed it to me and I in turn handed it to my mom. 

I think she read on the first line which read "Certificate of Adoption." My mom immediately started crying and said "Oh Jenifer," and as she hugged me she said in my ear "Thank you so much for giving me another grandchild." I hugged her tightly. 

I was so happy that she was so excited. I value my mom's opinion and was glad she was proud. Once we got into the car he said to me, "That was the best Christmas present ever!" The rest of the night after we got home he kept locating me in the house and would give me a big hug showing that ear to ear smile on his face. And finally I said to him "Bob did you really think that I wasn't going to adopt you?" His reply "No I just thought I would graduate and move out." I gave him a big hug and whispered in his ear "Welcome home Bob!" 

Jennifer's Birth of Ladybug

On August 13, 2009, I gave birth via c-section to a beautiful baby girl. Her adoptive mother, "K", was in the operating room with me during the surgery. The story below is from my blog. *All names have been changed or modified for privacy purposes.

Little Ladybug's Birth Story (written August 20, 2009)

The story of Ladybug's birth starts before her birth, as all birth stories do. In an hour and 17 minutes it will be exactly a week since her birth. A week is such a short time, but I feel as if a million years have passed between then and now.

On Wednesday, August 12th, K and I went to the 39 week OB appointment. It was K's birthday and my mother's birthday as well. We went expecting that I would be more dilated than a 1 or 2 after 10 days of continuous contractions that wouldn't quite even out. I was going to ask for Dr Cutie to strip my membranes and kick start labor since I was 39 weeks and 3 days as of the 12th.

 It was not to be.

Ladybug had turned breech sometime between my appointment the previous week and the current appointment. My options were to wait and hope that she turned vertex again (head down) or schedule a c-section. Knowing that I was starting school in 13 days and being exhausted from the "yo-yo pregnancy" of the last 4 weeks, I told Dr Cutie to just schedule the c-section, regardless of the fact that the very last thing I wanted was surgery. And regardless of the fact that I firmly believe that babies can and should be delivered vaginally whenever possible - even when they are breech. I was just so tired of dealing with the constant back and forth and I was ready to be done.

We couldn't do the surgery that same day since the OR schedule was full, so we were scheduled for 11:15 am the following day, Thursday, August 13th. It was so surreal to have a day, knowing that Ladybug would be born on that day and even roughly a time that she would be born. And the fact that it was the very NEXT day made it all even weirder.

I was in shock for several hours after I left the OB's office. I was still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I was really having major surgery the next day. And that I would really be meeting Ladybug for the first time the next day. And that the next day would start the separation process between Ladybug and I. I was ready to meet her, but I wasn't really ready for her to leave me yet.

The morning of the 13th I woke up very early. K wasn't picking me up until 8 am, but I was up before 6 am. I am NOT a morning person and I do not wake up early, so this was just not normal for me. I took a shower and shaved everything. I scrubbed and washed and made sure that I was in my most presentable state. After all, I would be seen naked or nearly so by countless people, the majority of whom work with my sister. (She is an OB at the hospital where Dr Cutie works) I couldn't be hairy and smelly. And I knew that there would be a ton of pictures taken so I wanted my hair to look good too.

I got a text message from my sister at 7 am saying that the post-partum rooms were all full, but she had reserved the biggest room for me when it emptied later that day. And that I might be going into surgery earlier than planned because the first two scheduled c-sections wanted to VBAC. It pays to have a sister as a doctor on staff at the hospital when you have to have a last-minute c-section.

K was at the house just minutes after 8 am. I quickly finished packing the last few essentials in my overnight bag and we left the house with the kids. We dropped them off at the Boys & Girls Club and I told them that I would see them later that day at the hospital. And then K and I headed off to the hospital, where we had to be by 9 am for surgery check-in.

We got to the hospital and checked in. We were waiting in the waiting room and started talking to two ladies that had been waiting for almost 3 days for their daughter/daughter-in-law to give birth. When I told them that I was having a c-section they told me that they'd both had them and that it wasn't a big deal at all. It was exactly what I needed to hear because I was starting to panic even more about the prospect of major surgery. It was a good thing I wasn't allowed to eat breakfast because I probably would have thrown up multiple times.

We were called back a little after 9 am and the surgery prep was started. It took 4 sticks (all painful and I still have bruises) to get the IV started. We went over the last minute medical information and signed consents. I was shaved. I talked to the anesthesiologist and signed his consent forms. I drank the most horrible tasting stuff ever: bicitrate. Blech. I talked to Dr Cutie again and told her that I wanted double sutures with the good sutures, no cat-gut for me. I wanted to be able to VBAC someday if another pregnancy (surrogate this time) was in the cards for me.

K was taking pictures the whole time. One was of me texting while the RNs were doing one of the first needle sticks for the IV. W got there after dropping their son off with K's sister. He parked valet and K and I were teasing him about that. I didn't even know that the hospital had valet parking. I mean, it's a county hospital for goodness sakes! We were having a pretty good time and the nurses were all great. It really helped my anxiety to be able to relax and joke around before the surgery. And it helped that the staff all knew that I'm Dr H's sister. I don't know if I really got special treatment or not, but it felt like it and that's all that matters.

And then it was time to head back to the OR. I was given the choice of walking or going in a wheelchair. I couldn't see the point in taking a wheelchair down the hall when I was perfectly capable of walking. So we walked. Our own little entourage. The nurse, Kathy, held my IV bag and K walked next to me. We arrived at the OR doors where we both put on hair covers, and K took a picture of us, before she was handed her blue "bunny suit", mask and shoe covers. She was told to sit on a chair in the hall and wait, and they would come and get her in about 20 minutes.

I walked into the OR with Kathy, and I started shaking from nerves. The OR was so big and so cold. The table was high off the ground and really narrow. I've had surgery before, but I was already completely under anesthesia when I was taken into the OR. This was a whole different experience and it was terrifying.

I climbed up on the table and sat with my back to the anesthesiologist so he could do the spinal. He numbed by back with lidocaine and then did the spinal. I could feel the pressure in my spine and it hurt. I was shaking and crying and I just wanted this nightmare to stop so I could go home. I wasn't ready for this yet and it was awful. The only thing that helped remotely was Kathy standing in front of me, holding my shoulders and talking to me.

After the spinal took effect I was quickly laid flat by the anesthesiologist, a CRNA, and Kathy. My legs felt warm and heavy and tingly. I didn't like not being able to move the lower two-thirds of my body.

They strapped my legs to the table, and then strapped my arms to the little arm things that stuck out from the table. I was draped and the drape was clipped to the poles on either side of my head, which blocked my view of the rest of my body. All I could see directly in front of me was the big blue drape about a foot in front of my face.

Dr Cutie came in and K came in. There were more nurses and a scrub tech. There was a lot of activity in the room and I was in the middle of it, the reason for it, but somehow totally removed from everything. I wasn't really a person anymore; I was a body on a table.

The CRNA started talking to me to let me know what was going on, and what I could expect. She warned me that at some point I was going to feel a LOT of pressure and it might be hard to breathe. She told me that it would pass quickly. The other anesthesiologist tested to make sure that I couldn't feel anything in the parts that were supposed to be numb. I couldn't feel a thing and we were good to go.

Dr Cutie let me know that they were ready to start. I wanted to throw up I was so nervous at this point.

There was a lot of jostling and shaking and moving around. I could feel all of it, but nothing hurt. It was the weirdest experience ever. We were in the OR at 11:55 am, and I'm not sure what time Dr Cutie started cutting.

At 12:29 and 30 seconds, Ladybug came into the world. A squeaking, purple, lovely little baby girl. The NICU nurses took her to the warming table where they suctioned her and cleaned her off. She pinked up over the next few minutes. Her Apgars were 8 and 9. The nurses wrapped her up in a blanket and handed her to K, who had been taking pictures of the whole prep process. K brought her over to me so I could see her up close and personal for the first time. This little person who had been my constant companion for almost 10 months. This little person who had moved and swam and wiggled and kicked inside of me. Who was a part of me. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't hold her because my arms were strapped down, but I kissed her tiny little face over and over again. K sat in a chair to the left of my head and held the baby. I couldn't stop staring at her.

Dr Cutie and the attending physician were sewing me back up. They did 2 layers of sutures (with the good stuff) in my uterus, and then sutured my peritoneum as well. My skin was stapled together.

At some point during all the suturing, the nurses took Ladybug to the nursery to be weighed and monitored. K went with them so Ladybug wouldn't be alone. Kathy RN came back in the OR at some point and told me that Ladybug weighed 7 pounds and 3 ounces. She was one ounce heavier than Hannah had been at birth. They hadn't measured her yet, but she was 19 1/2 inches long. The same length that Hannah was.

After my sutures were done I was transferred to a regular bed and wheeled to an L&D room for recovery. K & W met me in the room with Ladybug, all clean and pink and pretty and wrapped up like a little burrito. I got to hold her and cuddle her and kiss her tiny perfect little head and face and fingers.

I was hooked up to a morphine PCA with the little button I could push every 6 minutes to help control my pain. Because of this I wasn't allowed to have Ladybug alone in the room with me. K's mom and one of her sisters came in for a visit and some pictures. They brought me a plant with pretty little pink flowers. K stayed with me a while after her mom and sister left so I could spend time with the baby. And then I started falling asleep so K wheeled Ladybug back to the nursery so I could nap.

After several hours I was moved to the post-partum room that my sister had earlier reserved for me. By this point my legs were waking up and I could wiggle my toes, even though my legs still felt heavy and weak. K & W were in the room with me and they walked down with me as I was wheeled in the bed to the new room. They put my things in the little closet in the room since I couldn't get up yet and went to get Ladybug out of the nursery.

I nursed her and held her for several hours. K's friend stopped by with her daughters to see the new baby. Then K's sister came with Little W ad shortly after K's dad and step-mom stopped by to meet the baby as well. Then W and the rest of the family left to go to K & W's house for dinner. K stayed in the room with me so I could, again, have time with the baby since I still had the morphine pump. My mom and the kids came in about 10 minutes after K's family had left and we all visited for a little while. Then K left so I could have some time with my family and Ladybug. They stayed for a couple of hours, until my kids were hungry and visiting hours were over. Ladybug had to go back to the nursery when they left since I was alone again.

At about 11 pm the night nurse came in with the CNA and took me off the morphine PCA. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom where the CNA helped me get cleaned up and in a new gown. She put those socks with the traction on the bottom on my feet for me since I couldn't bend over to reach my feet. They changed my sheets and then brought the baby in. She didn't leave my room again except for a couple of quick tests in the nursery.

Over the next couple of days (Friday and Saturday) K & W came for visits, bringing me flowers and food and making sure I didn't need anything. They cuddled Ladybug and spent time with me. My family visited again on Friday afternoon. But mostly I had long stretches where it was just me and Ladybug. K & W made sure that I had plenty of alone time with her. I will forever appreciate that time alone with her. I held her and nursed her and slept with her curled in her little burrito bundle in my arms or on my chest. I listened to her tiny little cries and squeaks and took tons of pictures of her beautiful little face and fingers and lips and ears.

On Saturday at noon the adoption agency caseworkers came to the hospital with the relinquishment paperwork. K & W waited in the waiting room while I talked to my caseworker and then went through all the paperwork, signing here, initialing there, until my legal title of "mother" of Ladybug was fully and completely severed. It was harder and easier than I thought it would be. During the whole pregnancy I hadn't really thought of myself as Ladybug's mother. But reading all the paperwork it hit me for the first time that Ladybug IS my daughter and she always will be. I will always be the person who gave her life, her first mother, her birth mother and it made me so sad that I couldn't take care of her the way that she deserves. And simultaneously it made me so glad that I had found K & W to love her and take care of her and provide all those things that I could only hope to give her.

The caseworkers went out to the waiting room and K & W signed their part of the paperwork and then they all came back into the room. The caseworkers left soon after and my mom and kids came in about 15 minutes later. I held Ladybug more and nursed her a few more times over the next couple of hours. Then the nurse came in with the discharge paperwork and went over my instructions.

I got out of the bed and put on my real clothes. Leaving Ladybug's hospital mommy behind with the hospital gown and sticky socks. Ladybug was dressed in her going home outfit and wrapped in a soft pink blanket with satin on one side. Many more pictures were taken and both of my kids and my mom held Ladybug some more. All of my things, including all the flowers and plants I was given, were loaded up on a cart and taken downstairs by my mom, Kaleb, and W when they went to get the cars.

A wheelchair was brought and I held Ladybug while I was wheeled downstairs. Hannah and K walked with us to the cars.

Once outside the kids got in the car and I gave Ladybug some last kisses and cuddles before handing her to her new mommy. K hugged me hard and she had tears in her eyes. I was making a superhuman effort not to break down in tears. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop once I started.

I got in the car and K went to put Ladybug in her carseat. My mom drove away and I felt a piece of my heart break off and stay behind. Forever lodged in that tiny little girl that will grow and change and become a whole beautiful person of her own. A person that I pray every day will understand my choice and not hate me for it.

It has been a week since the day that Ladybug came into the world. A week since another piece of my heart went to live in another body. And although I miss her and love her, I know more and more every day that I chose the right path for us.

Kim’s birth of, and Nancy’s adoption of Garrett

Kim’s birth of, and Nancy’s adoption of Garrett

The years of getting pregnant and losing my children before they were born was excruciating. There are no words to describe having life inside your body, hosting a precious soul, and then they are gone. The grief and loss brought me down to my knees. Going through infertility treatments is another experience that only can be described as an experiment on your body, mind, soul and life. At the end of the experiments, when all was considered a loss; I went into a place of darkness. My childhood dreams of being a Mom were, in my mind, not going to happen.

In November of 2002, I decided that adoption may be a viable option and began the process. Knowing the road may be as painful and knowing that it would be a long road ahead was scary, but it was worth it. Within two weeks, Kim and Steve, both 18 year old freshmen in college chose us to be the parents of their unborn child. Kim was nearly due and we had to make the decision to agree to the match, even as our paperwork was being processed.

After meeting them both and seeing Kim (and her very pregnant belly) and knowing that I was indeed going to be a mother, felt dreamlike.  Every emotion ran through me, joy, fear, excitement, and pure love. On Christmas Day, 2002, Kim was in labor. She asked that I be her birth coach and as she labored, I felt such love for her and for the baby.

On December 26th, 2002, she delivered a perfect, amazing, angelic boy. She asked what his name would be, although she had the right to name him. Garrett, I told her.  And it was done.  From loss to an amazing little boy; Life!

We have an open adoption and Garrett knows all of his families. He has so many cousins, aunts, and uncles. He has his 1st mother, birthmother, Kim and he has me; Mommy.

Kim and I have such a special bond. We are friends and are also business partners. When I left the hospital with Garrett, I felt such pain for Kim. She gave life to Garrett and gave me the gift of motherhood. We started HeartMommy and also a non-profit for birthmother's to get support after placement of their child for adoption. Kim is bravest person I know. She is the one who had the courage to carry a child, support and take care of him and then made the excruciating decision to allow me to raise him.

Garrett is about to be 8 years old. He is all that there is; the sun and the moon. He has grown into such a caring and loving boy and he is my son.

From loss to life to endless love.

http://www.heartmommy.com/about_us.html

Tags: infertility treatments, miscarriage, adoption, open adoption, open adoption, birth stories on demand, heartmommy, heartmommy.com, Kim's birth of Garrett, Nancy's adoption of Garrett, inspiring birth stories, positive birth stories

A Mother’s Adoption of a Daughter from China

A Mother’s adoption of a daughter from China

My birth story doesn't begin with a contraction; it begins with hours and hours of paperwork and scrutiny by adoption professionals to determine whether or not I was properly motivated to become a mother to an adopted child.  Particularly an adopted child of a different race.  I passed the tests and then was sending paperwork off to China. 

I thought the wait would be 6 months.  It turned into over two years.  I was adopting my first child and was stressed by the wait, the uncertainty, and the fear of this little stranger who would soon be living with me in my house forever.  The wait was agonizingly long.  That time spent waiting was one of the most stressful times of my life.  Getting my daughter was hands down the best moment of my life. I could tell a hundred stories about the time I spent waiting and my thoughts about the joy and utter tragedy of international adoption.  I could tell stories about Beijing and being exposed to my daughter's birth culture for the very first time.  As a side note, I was a size 16 at the time and this is circus-fat in China, so I was actually a tourist attraction for rural Chinese people while I visited the tourist attractions.  I could tell stories about how it felt to leave the fantasy of having a baby and enter into the reality of parenthood.  I could talk at length about the grief I felt knowing that the best day of my life was the direct result of what was likely the very worst day of some other woman's life: the day she lost her baby.  But right now I will write about the first time I felt a real bond between myself and my new daughter.  To do that I have to skip ahead, past the endless screaming that broke my heart into a million pieces on the day the orphanage officials placed her in my arms, past that first sleepless night, and past my first day as a mom when I fumbled through simple tasks feeling like an idiot.

The first time the diarrhea came it was a bright, terrible green.  This seemed odd, but then, I'm no doctor.  There was a doctor in our group though, and he gave me a condescending lecture about how often kids get sick during an average winter when I expressed my concern. And I believed him, I must be overreacting. He told me she must be constipated and gave me a suppository to use on her if I felt like I needed it.  Our guide advised me to feed her bananas and rice and “not to worry because these babies all act different, after 3 days and I would see, it would be fine.”  Relax.  At the time, I took all of this advice seriously.  I hadn't learned the most important lesson of motherhood: trust your instincts.  I didn't trust my instinct, that something was very wrong, until my daughter stopped taking liquids.  Then we rushed to the hospital. 

Holding her in the waiting room of a Chinese hospital while passing women tugged at her pant legs and glared at me and talked angrily at me in a language I didn't understand, I felt like crying.  I didn't know what I was doing; I didn't know how to do anything right and this baby no doubt hated me.  I couldn't speak to her in a language that was familiar, I didn't know what comforted her, what she liked and disliked. I just fumbled around making things worse and couldn't even figure out what to do when she was sick.  I let the guide shuffle me though the hospital stations and tried my best to ignore the stares and commentary of the strangers surrounding me (it's not considered at all rude to point at foreigners and talk about them in China).  I held her down while they put the IV in her head and tried not to cry.

I wished there was someone to hand her to that would fix her up for me. The minute the thought entered my mind, it sounded perfect.  If only there were someone who could take her and help her past this crisis, make her feel better, make everything better.  Then they could give her back to me.

Except, oh my God, there wasn't anyone else.  All she had was me.  At that moment something inside of me sort of dissolved away and suddenly I stopped feeling terrible for myself and started feeling terrible for her.  This poor baby is sick and all she has is clueless me.  All anyone wants when they are sick is the comforting and familiar and I can't give her any of things.  All she has is me and I don't have any idea what I am doing. 

We laid together on the hospital bed, waiting for the IV's and the injections to do their magic for most of the night.  My daughter slept on and off and I laid there and worried.  Here is this tiny, helpless little girl who is clearly the most adorable child in the universe and she's lost everything familiar to her in an instant.  I wouldn't blame her for hating me.  What a terrible situation. 

Then it was time to go.  My daughter was crying again, and I tried my best to be comforting and, as usual, was getting nowhere. Our guide, a pretty young Chinese woman, talked softly to my daughter in her own language.  She reached out her arms to my daughter, offering to take her. 

And my girl reached out with her tiny little arm and...swatted her away.  Then she grabbed a hold of my shirt a little tighter and put her head on my shoulder.  That was the second best moment of my life.  Maybe I was clueless, maybe I would never be the mother she deserved, but I loved her beyond description and she chose me.  Now we were in this thing together.

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