M's Birth of Bee

The Clover and the Bee

Bee's Birth Story and How I Became a Mom

All it takes to make a prairie is just one clover and a bee

and reverie

The reverie alone will do if bees are few

Emily Dickenson

Now that Bee is nine months old I find I cannot stop thinking about his birth. I spend hours I can't spare reading birth stories online, sometimes feeling jealous, sometimes fortunate. I consider posting Bee's birth, but we are a private family, and Clover isn't allowed to put personal information online so I try to be a good example. Freezing at a soccer practice, (Clover always wants me to watch) with Bee nursing and doing off wrapped in a blanket, it dawns on me that if I use their nicknames we will have a Clover and a Bee, just like Emily Dickenson's poem, and that as a mom I find myself spending lots of time in reverie. Mulling over our lives and circumstances, and the best way to raise my kids to be thinking, caring people. And I need to write this story, I don't have time to write it, but until I do I can't seem to get anything else done anyway. So here goes, it's a bit long, but there is much to tell.

J and I were parents together long before we conceived Bee. We were parents together before we were married and only a few months after we began dating. J had married a drug addict, who he believed to be recovered, and who was pregnant at the time with his daughter Clover. Clover was born, and J adopted N, the son of the drug addict whom she had had out of wedlock with another drug addict. The drug addict, who was only taking advantage of him, spent his entire life savings and then some and left him for another man, which soon became a series of other men most of whom she took advantage of in a similar way and left in debt as she had J. That's where his life was when we met. I had never married, had given up on the idea, loved my teaching job and the older couple I lived with, and planned to adopt at some point. We were just getting to know each other really, and hadn't done much with the kids. We felt is was better if we were sure our relationship would work out to be a solid, lasting one before we brought the kids into it. As an additional complication, he had stayed married to the drug addict so she could use his insurance to get rehab, which she never did, but he kept hoping. J knew she was using again, but had to leave the kids with her whenever she would take them so he could work and crawl out of the huge debt she had put him in. Gradually it became obvious that the kids were neglected and endangered at her house, and she admitted that she was using heavily and promised to go into rehab, so J took the kids to live at his house full time, and since it was summer, asked me to help. Clover was 5 and N was 13. I would go to their house at 6:00 AM so Jay could go to work, take Clover to child care, then pick her up and stay until he returned at about 8:00 PM. N had his own friends and activities and was pretty independent although we paid the price for his independence later. I never slept there because we weren't married and he was technically married to their mom.

Time went by, Jay got divorced and was given full custody, the addict never really reformed and spent time in jail, we got married and I threw myself into raising the kids. Clover and I tightly bonded, N and I did not, he became more and more difficult and eventually went to live with his grandparents. With the daily nightmare of living with an out of control teenager finally over, we were able to sell J's house and move to a beautiful 11 acre property in the country where I am much happier, and with our life coming together and the financial picture slowly improving, and neither of us getting any younger (J 50 and me 35) we decided to try for another child. I loved Clover with all my heart, and had tried hard to love N but knew, no matter how much I cared, how many birthday parties I held, backs I scratched, dinners I made, etc both kids would never stop wishing they could be cared for by their own mom. Not only that but while J was glad to be out of the horrible abusive relationship he had been in before and while I know he loves me deeply, I also knew he wish he could be with “the mother of his children”. In fact he had had a hard time withdrawing financial support from the drug addict even though the kids were living with us, even though he knew all the money he gave her went for drugs, because she was 'the mother of his children”. In frustration I once said, “Fine, then make me the mother of your child since I do all the care taking of the ones you have now anyway” but that was no longer my frame of mind when we actually decided to conceive. I just wanted a baby, as I had for years. We considered adopting, but were still traumatized by N's behavior and I just wanted for once to be loved by someone who didn't wish I was someone else. (My parents had wanted a boy, my older friends who I lived with and helped out before I met J wished their son would be as willing to help them as I was, and then I became a replacement mom. Yes, I know step-moms aren't supposed to try to replace the mom, but if the mom is missing, somebody has to be the mom, so what else can you do?) So, we decided to try for a baby.

I knew the instant I got pregnant. It was the best sex we ever had, and after, as J slept beside me, I could feel the magic begin. I was queasy three days later, though never really sick, and stayed that way for the next several days. I took a test before my period was even due and joy of joys it was positive. My pregnancy was fairly easy. The queasy feeling was gone by 6 weeks and was never unbearable. While J was happy at first, he soon panicked a little, Clover's mother had been extremely mean and abusive to J and N during her pregnancy and he dreaded going through it all again. It had been a complicated birth ending in Cesarian and he had been frightened and felt inadequate as a coach. He was also afraid that I would die and he would be left to cope with raising both Clover and the baby. Knowing this we decided to hire a doula, and I was reassured by her presence and support, but sad that J couldn't fully share my joy in the changes taking place in my body and anticipation of the changes to come. I was also afraid that I would be mean unknowingly as the hormones increased, but in fact the hormones weren't so much a problem as my exhaustion. I was up at 5:00 to pack lunches and prepare for the day, teaching full time, then driving Clover to her activities most evenings, then home to cook supper, put Clover to bed, prepare for teaching the next day, and finally get to bed myself hopefully by 11:00. Weekend were spent taking care of the house and farm and splitting logs, as we heat with wood. It was a cold winter and I had to split into May, with a June due date. I did get crabby some. As much as I love Clover, I said at one point to Amy, the doula, that there is a reason women shouldn't go through their first pregnancy when they already have a child.

On the doula's recommendation, I found a group of two doctors and four midwifes who practice natural childbirth, are committed to being as noninvasive as possible, and have the lowest Cesarian rate in the area. I decided to use a natural birthing center that is part of the best hospital in the area. I wanted a home birth, but we live 45 min from the closest hospital and given my age I wasn't sure it was a good idea. Plus J was frightened enough, and I knew a home birth would add to his anxiety which would cause me to be anxious about his state of mind. At ten weeks I heard the heartbeat, one of the most thrilling moment of my life.

I had the usual ultrasound at 20 weeks. I hadn't felt the baby move yet and was concerned, though my belly was growing nicely, but there it was roaming all over and scarcely holding still long enough to get a clear view. The tech said I wasn't feeling movement due to the placement of the placenta, and there was nothing to worry about. I opted not to find out the sex, but loved seeing that little face. When my ovaries were filmed I felt a little pain on the right side, but not on the left. Two days later, after getting out of the car at school my right side was in the worst pain I have ever felt and I was frightened, thinking something was wrong with the baby. I called my Dr and got an appointment but wasn't going to tell J until after I knew what was going on. I didn't think I could handle his panic on top of my own fear and terrible pain. I was at work and vomiting every few minutes, shaking, lightheaded, and the secretary pointed out that there was no way I'd be able to drive myself to the Dr. and insisted I call J. He left work immediately and came and got me, it turned out I had a kidney stone. I got a shot of pain medicine and felt better within about 30 minutes, though I was pretty loopy. J took me home and put me to bed, then spent the rest of the day getting my meds, picking up Clover and driving her around. He was great, and I realized I can count on him no matter what. I took it easy the next day, but the day after that I was out chopping wood and though I never saw it, I know the movement helped and one of my trips in to use the bathroom I passed the stone, because I felt the release of something that had been stuck. I figured I could handle labor as kidney stones are reported to be much more painful. The baby started moving soon after and I loved feeling that.

I had another stone at 30 weeks, but this time we knew what it was and just went to the GP for a pain shot. I had pain pills from the last time I had never used, but couldn't keep them down, the shot didn't work as well as before, this stone was bigger, and I continued vomiting. I stayed home from work the next day. (I had never called in sick in 15 years before the kidney stones.) I had a regularly scheduled OB/midwife appointment that afternoon, by which time I hadn't passed any urine for about 36 hours, was swelling and getting confused. J had taken off work and stayed with me both days, between driving Clover around and meeting her needs, and he took me to my appointment. I happened to be seeing the senior Dr. and he took a quick look and sent me to the hospital. I was put on an IV and a catheter was inserted but no urine, so the nurse thought she had made a mistake and called another nurse to try again, still no urine. I was having considerable kidney stone pain at the time, and still vomiting, and the catheter insertion was a rather unpleasant experience to say the least. Finally the nurses were both convinced that the catheter was in right, and gave each other worried looks. All night nurses kept coming in and increasing the level of IV fluids, checking the empty catheter bag and drawing blood. Finally around morning I began to produce urine. When the Dr came I learned that the blood work had shown my kidneys were barely functioning, and he said he was surprised I had remained coherent. And to think that if I hadn't had an appointment I never would have gone in! I was impressed with the Dr.'s care and caution, he hadn't guessed my blood work would be that bad since I was able to walk and was only mildly confused, but had he not acted I'm not sure Bee and I would be here. The care I received was excellent and I was sure I had chose the right team of doctors and midwives and the right hospital in which to give birth, I still wanted to use the natural birthing suite, but liked knowing that state of the art care was across the hall if we needed it. I passed two stones that week, and it took be a bit longer to bounce back than the time before.

The time from my second stone around Easter, to the end of the school year was the most difficult of the pregnancy, the hospital stay had taken a lot out of me, my legs remained swollen, I was big and tired from not sleeping well and being on my feet teaching all day. At one point I developed an itchy rash all over my feet and ankles, turned out I was so swollen I was having a histamine reaction to my own fluids! Pretty funny for someone who has no allergies. I remember counting the hours until bed, starting at 7:00 when I was leaving for work after being on my feet for two hours making breakfasts and lunches I would find myself saying, “In 15 hours I can get back in bed” At this point I also felt myself drawing within, the baby was kicking constantly and I had a hard time focusing on anything outside my body. I felt bad that I was becoming less attentive to Clover, I had been all hers for five years, and now suddenly just couldn't be. In retrospect, I think that helped prepare her for the addition of a baby to her life, which she has handled beautifully, but I had a lot of guilt at the time. All in all my pregnancy wasn't bad, the kidney stones were the only complication and the only severe discomfort, and eventually school ended and I could get off my feet some and my due date was just around the corner.

About two weeks before my due date I discovered upon standing, that the chair I had been sitting on was soaked. I thought my water had broken and was concerned because I wasn't having contractions. I knew that if my water broke and I didn't go into labor I would eventually have to be induced and I didn't want that. I wanted to just wait and see, but J wanted to get it checked so I agreed, it hadn't broken and we went about our business, but the large amounts of discharge continued so I was constantly soaking maxi pads. I felt dumb, but less so when I went to my next appointment and the midwife thought my water had broken based on the amount of fluid, but again it was just discharge.

The day before my due date I had another appointment and was one cm dilated, that afternoon I was sitting at the pool while Clover swam and I felt the first “real” contractions. I had had Braxton-Hicks which could be pretty strong so I wondered how I'd know the real thing, Amy assured me that they would have a beginning, middle and end and be regular. They were, but about 10 min apart so I just waited until Clover was done swimming. Amy had said that storms bring on contractions and on the way home with a big thunderstorm approaching they became strong enough that I decided I didn't want to go out again that night and asked J to take Clover to her 4-H meeting. I had made a big pasta salad already for supper, so didn't have to cook. I called Amy and let her know what was going on, she said it was early yet and I should take a bath, then we should go to bed as usual and try to get some sleep. The bath was uncomfortable, I was too big to get underwater, and then found I couldn't get out. As I wriggled around trying to get out of the tub I felt the baby turn and the contractions moved to my back. I tried to sleep but the contractions were just too uncomfortable and more thunderstorms rolling in seemed to increase them. I wasn't comfortable lying down and would jump up out of bed and breathe hard every time a contraction came. I timed a few that were two minutes apart and called Amy at 2:00 AM, she assured me it wasn't time if I could still talk through the contractions and I should try to relax, I remember saying, “What if I fall asleep and don't realize when it's time and wake up have the baby in the bed and it's gross and J freaks out?” She assured me that wasn't going to happen. I settled down, still couldn't sleep, got up and packed a bag of snacks for the hospital (my other bag had been packed for days). I was starving and everything looked delicious, so I snacked and packed, and finally went back to bed, and managed to sleep a few hours.

The contractions were still strong but irregular the next day, Amy came out to the house and spent hours rubbing my back. J took Clover to her friend's house where she was to stay for the delivery. Then spent the rest of the day working on the farm with my cousin who had been staying with us and was leaving the next day. J had made a beautiful CD for me to listen to during labor. Amy thought it was important for me to rest not having slept much the night before. I had Jay bring up the bag of snacks since I was having bloody show and looked a mess and didn't want to go downstairs with my cousin around. It was by day the strangest assortment of foods I have ever seen, but I found some things to snack on. I explained to Amy about packing it in the night and she said,”When it's really time to go to the hospital you won't care about packing the food bag.” I was still at that point very focused on logistics and making sure everyone had what they needed. Whenever my family goes anywhere I tend to be the one to pack snacks, jackets, change of clothes etc to be prepared for any circumstances and I simply couldn't let go of that. With Amy helping me relax the contractions slowed and I was able to sleep a bit. She kept rubbing my back and we listened to a beautiful CD J had made for me to listen to during labor, everything from Bach to Smashing Pumpkins and including all the songs that had been important to us while we were courting, and the music from our wedding. Amy said I had the best labor music of any of her clients. Around suppertime, she said it wasn't happening today and asked if she could go home. I agreed, she called the midwife on call and asked if I should take a pain pill I had left from the kidney stones to try to get some sleep. She was concerned about my endurance level as I had been contracting for over 24 hours with little progress and had been unable to rest much. The midwife agreed, Amy left and per her instructions I had supper with J and my cousin (We asked Clover if she wanted to come home but she wanted to stay with her friend) jumping up several times during the meal for a contraction as I still couldn't handle them sitting down, took a hot shower and a pill and went to sleep. I was up at 2:00, repeated the shower and pill and slept again until about 4:00.

Amy's suggestion for the next morning was to get checked by the midwife to see how dilated I was, so we took my cousin to the airport and went to my appointment. “5 cm, go home and wait until you can't stand it and then go to the hospital.” It was getting a bit old, and I almost said, “Look,

I can't stand it now!” but didn't. Clover had a 4-H event and her friend's parents couldn't take her to it, plus she had left her book at home. I had gotten permission for her to make it up later, but she was nervous and wanted to get it over with. After a few phone conversations with her and another attempt at sleep, I arranged for a friend to take Clover to her event and decided that we should drop off her book and proceed to the hospital. When I told Amy our plan she wondered if I was really ready to go, saying that I must not be in active labor if I was thinking about Clover's 4-H book. I just couldn't relax at home at that point, I think if I had been planning a home birth I would have been very comfortable laboring at home but I just couldn't relax knowing that I still had to get to the hospital. I was afraid I'd wait too long and have the baby in the car, remember it's a 45 min drive, plus J kept asking me what the plan was, not trying to stress me out, but of course I had no plan other than try to have a baby so it was hard to answer that question. Later he told me that he was having contractions himself that day, which touched me. So we packed the food bag again, loaded the car and headed off. I kept thinking of more stuff I wanted so we had a very unwieldy pile of belongings by the time we left. We dropped off Clover's book and arrived at the hospital late afternoon. The natural birthing nurse was occupied so I had to go to labor triage where I was monitored and checked. I was only at 5 1/2 and pretty disappointed I hadn't progressed further, but not concerned, just figured I'd get relaxed and make more progress.

Amy joined us in triage, and the midwife called and said she'd come and break my water. “She will?” That didn't make sense to me since I had been hearing that if my water broke I was then on a time frame because the natural birthing suite couldn't keep me more than 24 hours after my water broke. Amy said I could ask to wait, but soon after we got settled in the room it broke on it's own. I was standing by the bed and Amy was working on my back when it broke with a huge gush and practically flooded the room. And I had just put on clean underwear! But it was a great feeling and one of the moments of the birth I remember fondly. There was a second smaller gush with the next contraction and I said, “OH, it broke again!” the nurse laughed and said more would come with each contraction. I didn't like being wet in the cold room and the contractions were getting stronger so I said I wanted to get in the tub, since I was planning a water birth. This may have been my 1^st mistake, I forgot that the tub sometimes slows labor, and I wish someone would have reminded me. That warm water felt so good and I was really relaxed and comfortable. I stayed in the tub with Amy working on my back for several hours. At one point they had me get out and sit on the toilet, but I was wet and cold and those few contractions were hard to take. I started to loose control for a few minutes and then said, “Was that transition?” it wasn't, just a good contraction. After a few of those I wanted to get back in the tub and did. The nurse checked me and said I was at 9 cm and could try a few pushes if I felt like it. That was my next mistake. I did feel like pushing, as in I had been at this for over 48 hours and was ready to push the baby out, I didn't realize that when I was ready to push it would be an overwhelming urge, not just a feeling that it would be nice to move things along. So I pushed, I liked pushing because it gave me something to do, and I pushed for quite some time, then the midwife came and checked my dialation and said I was still at 5, swollen, and needed to stop pushing. I was crushed, and she suggested I get a shot of nubain. I didn't want to, but she said it was my best chance at avoiding a Cesarian. I wasn't really worried about a Cesarian at that point, but I sure didn't want one so I made my next mistake and agreed to the nubain. That may work for some people, but I don't handle certain medications at all well and nubain is apparently one of them. It did knock me out for a coupe of hours but I woke up confused, disoriented and in worse pain than ever. J was rubbing my back, but ever so lightly up and down and it was terribly annoying, I wanted that firm pressure Amy had been putting in just one spot, but I couldn't find the words to tell him so. I kept trying to make him stop but couldn't express myself at all and Amy appeared to me to be floating up by the ceiling and didn't come down to help me. Finally I managed to sit up and look at the clock, 6:00 AM, I had gotten the nubain at 4:00. That brief rest was not worth the horrible feeling I had waking up. I was nauseous from that point on and later began vomiting which I think was from the nubain as well.

Amy told J to lie down, took me by the hand and led me to the bathroom and we labored together with me sitting on the toilet for a few hours. That was good, I needed someone to take charge at that point and quit asking me what I wanted because I no longer knew. I learned to breathe through the tougher contractions at that point. After a few hours I got back in the tub and labored there a few more hours. J was stuck sitting on this little plastic chair and his back was killing him and I was worried about that, and how tired Amy must be getting, and about her kids and Clover, I never did get to the point that all I was focused on was my labor, I guess I am just too used to meeting everyone else's needs to focus entirely on myself. I got out of the tub at around lunchtime, tried to eat but it all came right back up, J left to to feed the chickens at home and came back with food from my favorite Lebanese restaurant, but I was too sick to even think of eating it. At some point while he was gone the nurse decided we should try nipple stimulation and brought a breast pump. That just hurt, but didn't make the contractions pick up any. I was beginning to realize that the 24 hour mark was approaching and they were going to throw me out of the natural birthing area. I asked that they wait until J got back and that the midwife check me instead of the nurse so we had a consistent idea of if I had dilated or not since the night nurse has misread and started me pushing. I wish I had also insisted on trying nipple stimulation with J, though I'm not sure if he would have been comfortable enough to try it. He hadn't touched me since his attempts at rubbing my back which obviously weren't helpful, and he hadn't wanted to have sex at all while I was pregnant. Now having had the experience of breastfeeding, I know that nipple stimulation with a pump doesn't produce a let down nearly as well as nursing your baby so I wonder if the necessary hormones would have been better produced with my husband. But I didn't know that then and after the nubain I never was again able to think straight and remember my options. So J returned, the midwife checked me and I hadn't changed much from 12 hours prior. I was thrown out of the natural birth area.

I didn't want a wheelchair, I might be a failure but at least I was going to walk out under my own steam. The families waiting in the common area looked at me in sympathy and I could imagine them thinking how much better at birth the person they were supporting was. The other side of the hospital was like another world, sterile, bright and loud. I was to be put on pitocin and I figured that if I was already a failure and since pitocin would make my contractions more painful I might as well get an epidural. I was pretty exhausted at that point, having been in labor for 72 hours. I regretted that decision as soon as the anesthesiologists arrived, There were two of them and they both kept shouting directions at me at the same time. I couldn't understand what anyone was saying and told them, “You guys need to take turns talking if you want me to hear you” It was something I say at school all the time and as soon as I said it I burst into tears, I didn't want to be in the middle of all that confusion and commotion, I wanted to quietly, privately birth my baby. J was supposed to support me for the epidural but clearly had no idea what to do, so Amy came up and took my hands and said something, the needle went in and Jay went down in a crouching position, as soon as I saw that I was back in control of myself, “Honey, are you going to pass out?” No he was fine, and I was done feeling sorry for myself. I asked Amy to rub my back some more until the epidural kicked in and as soon as it did I fell asleep. I slept until about 1:00 AM except for waking up a few times to throw up. At some point either the nurse or midwife decided I was fully dilated and 1:00 AM was the time assigned that I start to push. I had no feeling below the waist at that point except for a tiny spot on my left side. It was hard to tell when I was having a contraction but after a few I could tell from that spot, but I couldn't feel where to push. It was as if I was trying to push with muscles that didn't exist. Amy had one of my legs and J had another, I tried to follow directions and do as they said but had no idea where the lower half of my body was. After a short time they told me to go back to sleep and they'd try again an a few hours. I was happy to comply. The next time they tried J was asleep and Amy held one leg, the nurse the other, I think there was also a bar to hold on to, they kept saying I wasn't pushing, or wasn't pushing in the right spot, I still had no idea how or where to push. Then the midwife said she had to get the Dr, to try to straighten the baby's head which was crooked, and for the first time I realized I might not have the baby vaginally. I asked Amy if the Dr was going to suggest a Cesarian and she said if he couldn't get him straight he would. At some point I had began calling the baby “He” although we didn't know the sex and everyone else followed suit. The Dr straightened him, and I pushed some more but still no baby. The Dr said the vacuum extractor wouldn't work, he could try forceps if I wanted but doubted they would work either, at that point I realized it was all just putting off the inevitable, and since I had heard plenty of forceps stories I didn't like, thought we might was well just do the Cesarian. If asked again, having experienced a Cesarian I might ask the Dr to try, but after Bee was born the Dr told J that the forceps wouldn't have worked anyway as there was no room to insert them between the head and the pelvis.

J woke up and I was wheeled away, he was sent to change, there was again a lot of fuss and commotion and I was scared, he said he'd be with me in a moment. In the OR there was really loud rap music playing which I hated, I had hoped the first thing the baby would hear was J's beautiful CD. There were many people in masks all loudly talking about what they had done the night before. I told myself that what was the biggest day of my life was just a routine work day to them, but I couldn't help feeling bothered. The epidural was increased and I was moved on to the table and strapped down with my arms out to my side as if on a crucifix. I was really scared then, and wanted J bad. I picked out the midwife from all the masked faces and asked her to tell me what was going on. She said I was being shaved and washed. The Dr began poking me and asking if I could feel it, mostly I said no but there was still the one spot where the epidural never took effect. I knew that if I said I could feel it they would knock me out and that then Jay couldn't be there and I wanted him so bad I almost lied, but didn't think I could take being cut in that spot so I admitted yes I could feel the poke. The midwife said she was so sorry, they would have to put me under and I said, “You know, I almost don't care anymore” Almost, not quite. Then I remembered how scared J had been that I would die and looking around I thought there were way too many people in the room. “Somebody go out and be with J”, I told the midwife, “He's going to be really scared” for a minute the masked people stopped talking and looked at me like I was nuts, “There's people out there” the midwife said gently and I went to sleep.

The next thing I remember was strange man telling me to open my eyes and look at my baby. Jay was there too, I later learned, but I couldn't move my head so all I saw was the stranger with the baby. Jay says I said, “Oh, hi, honey” I remember saying “You're beautiful, are you a boy or a girl?” The stranger said, “Tell her” and then he said “You have a boy” Later Jay said the man had asked him to tell me the sex, I guess that was the one detail of my birth plan that someone tried to follow, but J was too choked up to speak and the man told me. I think he was the anesthesiologist. J also says they were there earlier and told me I had a boy and I just said, “That's nice” but I don't remember that at all. I remember being surprised the Cesarian had worked and the baby was actually born, I figured they'd have still something else to try. They took the baby away and told me to go to sleep but I couldn't breathe. Actually I could, it was just the epidural finally working that made it seem like I couldn't. I begged to be sat up, so I could breathe better, and the anesthesiologist did. He asked if I had a sore throat, which I did, and he said that I had been hard to intubate. My dad had had surgery a few times before he died and he was hard to intubate as well, and the Dr in the nursery told J Bee was hard to intubate so I guess it's genetic. I asked where J was and the anesthesiologist said he was with the baby, but he could get him if I wanted him. I did, but I wanted him to be with the baby more, so I said, “No, that's right that he should be with the baby.” I couldn't remember the boy's name we had picked out.

Soon Jay and Bee were back, and I was allowed to hold him with help, I tried nursing but we were both too groggy. The time spent trying to intubate me had meant that Bee was pretty anesthetized as well. I think his Apgars were 1 and 9. Bee was put on the bed with me and Jay sat beside us I kept saying dumb things, I had assumed we were having a girl since we already had a girl and since older men are supposed to make girls. I wasn't sure if I could raise a boy so I told J he had to potty train him, and that I didn't want him to give him any toy guns. After a bit we were wheeled to our room and put in bed, which was scary because I thought they would drop me. Jay called Amy who had left when it was clear I was having a Cesarian and she couldn't be in the room with me, and called Clover to tell her she had a brother. Bee had a little bed beside mine, and J left to get Chloe who had been at her friend's for 4 days. I called my mom and my friend, then slept a little. Bee woke, and I figured out that I could raise the bed to the height of his bed and pull it over to get him out. Every time a nurse came in she'd put him back in his bed, and put my bed down, and push his bed away, and as soon as she'd leave I'd raise the bed up and pull his bed over and get him out again. All I wanted to do was hold him. Jay and Chloe came back around supper time and my friend Nancy came. I tried nursing but still no luck. The next day there was a constant string of people in and out, a Dr came in and said that Bee needed to latch on because he was Combs positive, because he had a different blood type from mine and was loosing weight. I thought all babies lost weight after birth, but I asked if I needed to supplement with formula though I didn't want to, and the Dr said no. He was a staff Dr, I had chosen a pediatrician that didn't have access tot he hospital, but didn't think it mattered since we'd be in the natural birthing wing and only there overnight. Boy was I wrong. That night the nurse kept waking us up every hour or so for vitals, 1^st mine, then his an hour later, then meds for me, then it was time to nurse and so on. I was so tired and so was Bee, neither of us could figure out how to nurse, but finally he latched on and nursed about a half hour.

I thought all was well, but then the following morning when I was thinking we were headed home a lady Dr. came in and said Bee was still loosing weight and needed to go to the NICU and be fed with a tube. I was shocked, thought that made no sense and said “Can't I try bottle feeding him before we do something that invasive?” The Dr reluctantly agreed and there I was, colostrum dripping, and soaking my nightgown, giving my baby a bottle of the foulest formula I've ever seen or smelled. I called J who was dropping Clover off at camp and said, “Get over here now”. I was really loosing it then, my milk was coming in, I couldn't nurse and couldn't stop crying. After failing to give birth I was dammed if I was going to fail at breastfeeding. A very officious nurse was keeping track of every milliliter Bee drank and kept saying she would take him and feed him for me if I couldn't do it. I wasn't handing my baby to anyone but J. Finally he arrived and took control of the situation, much to my relief. The head Dr, from my practice came in and took one look at me and asked when I'd last had pain meds, I wasn't sure and realized I was in pain, the officious nurse had been so busy trying to get Bee put in NICU she forgot to give me pain meds. I think the Dr, who next to J is the kindest man on earth gave her a hard time about it and she was really hostile after that. He also showed us how to feed Bee with a dropper so he wouldn't get nipple confusion. Jay had a rather hostile phone conversation with the lady Dr and it turned out she had never actually examined Bee, just looked at his numbers on her computer. J was livid at that, Bee was alert and had latched on the night before, and presumably might again if we could practice in peace, yet I wasn't allowed to try to breastfeed for more than 10 minutes, then he had to take a certain number of cc's of formula, he had to do this within 20 min so the feeding time didn't exceed ½ hour and then he had to eat again in two hours, no more, no less. If we didn't follow the rules he had to go to NICU.

I called Amy and asked if she'd come and help me learn to breastfeed fast. She thought the whole thing was absurd, but came later that day. Poor Bee couldn't possibly eat all that formula that fast without spitting up, which he did a lot that day. J started pouring the formula down the drain and telling the nurse Bee had drank it. I was so glad he was there and taking charge, he hadn't been really able to help me with the birth, but I had Amy so it was OK, and he more than made up for it that day. My friend had gotten me a recommendation for another pediatrician, but she hadn't gotten the name to be until after I was in labor and I felt it was too late to switch. That Dr had privileges at the hospital which the Dr I had chosen didn't, and I needed to get rid of that evil staff Dr., who by then I was sure was simply filling a quota for NICU. I called the new Dr. and he agreed to take Bee as a patient. He said we still needed to supplement, but it could be after 30 min of breastfeeding and just as much as he wanted. He sent his partner over to see us the next morning and we were released that day. The last thing that happened was so sweet, the senior Dr from my practice came in to give me a final check, Bee was nursing as he had been most of the night, and the Dr., though not a young man at all, got down on his knees on the floor to retape my incision from below without disturbing Bee. I knew I had the right Dr. though I didn't like the hospital. It is still the best hospital in the area, but like most hospitals it is owned my a huge corporation and the doctors, midwives, and nurses are bound by numbers and rules. That is why I had to leave the natural birthing area exactly 25 hours after my water had broken, and why the staff pediatrician was able to make a case for Bee going to NICU when there was no need. Amy later told me how right we were to keep him out of there, she had heard that once babies get put in NICU the staff Dr.'s insist on test after test and you can't leave or your insurance won't cover the bill which by then is so huge you could never pay it. There is definitely a business end to being born.

It was wonderful to take Bee home, to rest in my own bed with him beside me, and a cool soft breeze wafting up from the creek.

I wonder if maybe I could have had a home birth. Since all my dilating before pitocin happened at home, I wonder if I hadn't had the worry of getting ready to go somewhere and could have just relaxed at home if I could have done it. Or perhaps, Bee was just too big for me, neither his dad or I are big and I wonder if he was too big at birth because I had tried to follow the rules of eating a certain number of calories while pregnant instead of listening to my body. The calorie recommendations are probably intended for much bigger women, I'm 4'11'' and weighed 105 before I got pregnant. I wonder if the weight Bee lost that caused all the fuss was just him getting back to the size he was genetically meant to be, as the son of two small parents. I don't blame the Dr or midwife for my Cesarian and I'm not altogether sure it was unnecessary, but there are the niggling doubts. I want so much to have another baby, I loved being pregnant and loved labor until I had to leave the natural birthing suite, I want a chance to try again and not make the same mistakes. J says he could never go through that again and I'm so sad it was not the beautiful experience I wanted it to be for him and me and Bee. I am so grateful to Amy for being there with me all that time, I would have been terribly traumatized if not for her, but all in all it was a positive experience for me.

Amy said something the day they wanted to put Bee in NICU, she said that I was becoming a mom and that following your own gut about what is best for your child, despite what others, even Doctors, tell you is how you become a mom. Freezing at soccer practice the other day, Clover gave me a little wave, not one that anyone else could see because it just isn't cool to wave to your mom during soccer practice. I remember another soccer practice, just after I got pregnant with Bee, when as she was leaving she called to the coach who must not have seen we waiting, “It's OK, there's my mom!” She doesn't call me mom to my face, so I was filled with much joy, but that wasn't when I became a mom. It was the day I told J that if he left her alone with the drug addict again, after we knew she was in danger there, I would report him to Children's Services. I didn't know if he'd be angry enough to leave me over that, but it didn't matter. All that was important was Clover's best interest, not J's need to believe his child's birth mother wouldn't hurt her despite evidence to the contrary, not her mother's feelings, nothing but my child's well being. That day, five years before I was pregnant, was the day I became a mom.

So we are a family and a good one. Clover is a wonderful big sister and adores her little brother, Bee is 10 months now and as cute as can be, crawls really well, is learning to stand and says a few words. I work at school only enough to pay Clover's tuition and spend the rest of the day with Bee. We can't really afford this and I am trying to find some kids to teach from home, but on the whole life is good and I am so glad to have both my kids.

 

Tags: birth, birth stories, birth stories on demand, cesarean, cesarean birth stories, c-section birth stories, attempted natural, pitocin, epidural, general anestesia

Saralyn's Birth of Emily

Saralyn's Birth of Emily

My husband and I tried for 18 months to get pregnant. I got pregnant twice, but both ended in early miscarriages. I have PCOS and was later diagnosed with immune and blood clotting issues that contributed to the miscarriages. My menstrual cycle is erratic due to PCOS, and it took many many rounds of injectable medication to even get pregnant the first two times. We finally moved to doing IVF to get pregnant, along with several unorthodox treatments for the immune and clotting issue. Besides all of the meds and procedures involved in an IVF cycle, the first twelve weeks of my pregnancy included daily lovenox and progesterone injections, estrogen patches and suppositories, along with metformin, dexamethasone and baby aspirin pills, and a once every 3 week infusion of intravenous intralipids.

Once I was “safely” pregnant, it felt like a dream. I didn’t have any morning sickness although I had major fatigue and food aversions through the first tri. The second tri was the dream that everyone says it is. The third tri arrived and I was feeling bigger and tired, but I never in a million years thought my birth story would go like this.

I went to the doctor for my 32w appointment. All of my other appointments were normal with the exception of failing my 1hr glucose test, but I passed the 3hr so I just blamed it on the caramel frappucino (decaf of course) that I had the day before and the jellybeans that I ate the night before. At my 32w appointment I got on the scale. I knew I felt a little bigger and my feet were swollen, but I just figured that was pregnancy. The nurse noted that I had a significant gain since my last appointment a few weeks earlier. When the nurse tested my urine she noted it came back high for proteins but my blood pressure was fine. She said it was likely that the doctor would want me to do the 24-hour urine collection. I told her I worked in New York City and it was the week of Mother’s Day (I worked for a flower company at the time) so I convinced them to let me wait until the weekend when I’d be home to do the collection and hand it in the following week. The doctor agreed. I hoped that I just had a UTI. At that appointment I had my first growth sono because I was on lovenox blood thinners. I was told that later in pregnancy this can cause growth issues so I would have growth sonos and be watched a bit more closely towards the end. The doctor did the sono, told me it looked good and the baby was about 3lbs 9oz and left it at that. I never thought to find out if that was within the normal range because the doctor said it was fine.

That weekend I did the urine collection (fun times). I also had bad heartburn that weekend but I attributed it to my not-so-great California Pizza Kitchen dinner. I handed the urine in on Monday. The next morning I was on the train into Penn Station and my phone rings. I look and see its my doctor. I knew an 8:30am call couldn’t be a good thing. I answer and he says the 24-hour came back high and to go to the hospital for testing. I said I’m on the train and the next stop is Penn Station. He replies “well you don’t have to pull the emergency brake, but you should get off and turn around and come back. You need to go there within the next couple of hours.” He also said I might be kept overnight for observation. The levels I had were consistent with pre-eclampsia/toxemia. I started to get worried but since I felt OK I hoped that the testing would be fine. The day before I went to the hospital was like any other day, I walked the 12 blocks and 2 avenues from Penn Station to my office, and other than swollen feet, I felt pretty normal.

I go to the hospital where they put me on the monitors. I wasn’t really too scared, I sort of felt like I would be in and out. My huband and I were making lunch plans, and I was hoping I would just get an extra day off from work after a very stressful previous week. So my blood pressure is fine but they monitor it for a while. Then the nurse comes in and does a sono. She says everything looks good but my amniotic fluid looks low. They call the resident ob/gyn who comes in and repeats the sono with the same results. He also notes that the baby measures about 3lbs 6oz which is small for my gestational age of 32w4d. The measurement was more consistent with a 30-31 weeker. They then called in the on-call maternal fetal medicine doctor who confirmed the low-ish fluid and the small-ish size. I later found out that at this size the baby was considered to be growth restricted and all of my paperwork lists her as IUGR (intra-uterine growth restricted). While this is all going on they continually throw around words like “placental disease” and all sorts of scary sounding things. My husband and I were nervous but I still didn’t think I’d be staying overnight. After about 2 hours of monitoring they put me in an l&d room which scared me a lot. Eventually the doctor came in and said that they were keeping me overnight for monitoring and that I could be there indefinitely. They ordered the steroid shots for me to mature the baby’s lungs in case they had to deliver me early. The shots are a series of 2 shots that are done 24 hours apart and take 48 hours to take full effect.

So the next morning I finally get to see my doctor. My blood pressure at the time was fine and I was hoping he would tell me I could go home and be on bedrest or something. I knew I was at the early stages of pre-eclampsia but I was hoping it was manageable. Instead he comes and tells me that they are keeping me in the hospital until delivery. He said they were hoping to get me to 36 weeks, but in his estimate, he thought I had 10-14 days. This kind of shocked me because I felt absolutely fine! He said they would monitor my blood pressure, and if I had any change whatsoever – specifically headache, stomachache, blurry vision or basically any other changes then they would probably deliver me. That’s when I started to be freaked out, although since I felt pretty good I was optimistic I would make it to full term. When they put me in my room in antepartum, my husband literally had to pry the laptop out of my hands to stop me from working. I felt OK so I just kept going until he literally MADE me stop.

So everything is stable for a few days. At 33w exactly I went to bed with bad heartburn. I told the nurses and they gave me pepcid. I thought it was just from all the food people had brought me in the hospital that day. I woke up at 2am when they came in to do vitals and the "burn" had just become really bad pain under my ribcage and around my back. It was so bad that I couldn’t get comfy and couldn’t sleep. I knew if I told the nurses they would deliver my baby that day and all I could think of was that I soooo wasn’t ready. I waited til 6am to make sure the pain was real and then I called my husband and told him what was happening and to come to the hospital. I then told the doctors and nurses and they ran bloodwork. It came back that my platelets had gotten very low (normal was around 140 and mine were in the 80’s) and my liver enzymes went from the normal 20 range into the 150s. I had developed HELLP syndrome. They told me I would be induced that day. I couldn’t stop crying, I was so afraid that my baby would suffer. After everything I went through to get pregnant, I felt so guilty that I couldn’t stay pregnant longer.

Within an hour or two I was sent downstairs to L&D and I was prepped for an induction. They had to give me magnesium for the pre-eclampsia to prevent high blood pressure and seizures, and it felt like my face was on fire. I got my first and last internal of the pregnancy and my body must’ve known it was time because at 33w1d I was 2cm dialated and having contractions on the monitors. Since the baby was in position as of my last sono a few days earlier, the doctor was ready to induce. But at the persistence of the nurse they decided to do a last sono and sure enough, there she was lying transverse breech right across my abdomen. So the induction was quickly scratched for a c-section.

Unfortunately my platelet levels continued to deteriorate and my liver enzymes were now in the 300's and it was determined that I had to go under general anesthesia and would not be awake for the section. My husband and I did not know the gender of the baby, and I tried to get them to tell us the sex before the c-section, but there was no time to do a sono for that at this point. From the time they decided c-section, it was maybe an hour before I was wheeled into the OR. I have never been so afraid of anything in my life. Prior to being hospitalized for the pre-e, I had never been in a hospital for myself in my life, let alone about to go under for surgery. Throughout my pregnancy it never ever crossed my mind that I would deliver my baby the day before my baby shower!!

Anyway the next few days were a blur but thanks to retrieving my medical records I was able to piece together what happened. The section started at 3:35pm and by 3:42pm my baby girl Emily Hannah was out. Although she was tiny and had the cord wrapped around her neck, my baby girl was crying when they pulled her out. At 3lbs 8oz ad 17.5” long she was breathing well and her apgars were 8 and 9, which I think is pretty awesome considering the circumstances. She was sent to the NICU in pretty good condition.

That’s pretty much where the good part of the c-section ends. My husband was told that the section would take a half hour.. two hours later the doctor emerged telling him it was a complicated surgery. According to my medical records when they went in, two things occurred. First was a fascial hematoma. I’m not entirely sure what fascial is, but I know hematoma means blood clot. I have a known clotting issue (which is only an issue during pregnancy) and was on lovenox shots and baby aspirin for the entire pregnancy, so it’s not completely crazy for me to have a clot. I still don’t know how much of an issue the clot was, because unfortunately it was not the biggest issue at the time.

The larger issue that occurred during the section was the discovery of placenta accreta. This is when the placenta grows into the lining of the uterus, making it extremely hard to detach. From what I’ve read placenta accreta has a 7% mortality rate (due to blood loss) and the most common cure is a hysterectomy. In my case there was significant blood loss in trying to detach the placenta, however the doctor was able to spare my uterus – although I am told there was talk of a hysterectomy during the procedure, but due to my age and since it was my first baby, they worked hard so that I could keep my uterus.

I almost see this as a sign that Emily wants a sibling. The first few days in the hospital she was perfectly in position. The night before I ultimately delivered, I was on the monitor and I felt a ton of movement; it must’ve been when she was changing position. Had she stayed head down, they would’ve induced me and I may have been able to deliver vaginally. If that happened they would have only discovered the placenta accreta after delivery when they were trying to detach it. If it had gone that way chances are good that I would have had to have emergency surgery to remove the placenta, and under those conditions the chances that I would’ve ended up with a hysterectomy are more likely. So the way I see it, Emily saved my uterus!

On another note, I did say that we did not know what we were having when I went in for the c-section. The nurses decided that they would keep our wish to find out the gender together, and when the doctor came out to tell my husband about the surgery, he didn’t tell him the gender. Instead they waited until I was awake and told us together. I have absolutely no memory of this. However my first conversation with my husband that I do remember, he said “Do you know what we had?” and I did say “Yeah we had a girl.” I must’ve subconsciously heard the conversation when they told us the sex, since I woke up pretty sure about it!!!

Back to the story which unfortunately isn’t over yet. After the c-section I was in recovery. Most people spend a few hours there. I was there for about 15 hours. While I was there they determined that I had substantial blood loss from the section and my platelets were down in the 20s, so I ended up needing blood transfusions. Throughout the night they transfused 4 bags of blood and a bag of platelets. I was on the morphine pump for pain which definitely helped but also made most of my memories very fuzzy. I remember waking up and falling back to sleep every 5 minutes for about 5 hours in the middle of the night. Bless the nurse that was there – I must’ve asked for ice like 400 times since my throat was so sore from the tubes that were down it while I was under for surgery. I was still at risk for blood pressure issues and seizures so they put me back on magnesium the next morning. I still hadn’t seen my baby, although my family had shown me pictures.

The next 24 hours were very crazy. I was all doped up from the morphine and the magnesium. They moved me from recovery to a room in L&D to a private room in antepartum. People came and went and I have foggy memories of it. Sometime around the middle of the day my oxygen levels were deteriorating. They should have been over 92% and mine were in the 80’s with a low of 84%. My husband was half-joking to me that Emily was doing better than I was. During the night doctors kept coming into my room and asking me to breathe and cough for them. I was hooked up to a nasal cannula for extra oxygen. They even had a big portable x-ray machine brought to my room where they did a chest x-ray. I never heard the results while I was there, but I later read in my records that I had a partially collapsed lung and fluid in my lungs, which apparently are common issues when you have abdominal surgery and general anesthesia. Oddly enough I didn’t really feel the effects of this cause I was so heavily medicated.

The next morning my blood pressure was regulated enough to come off the magnesium and the morphine pump. It was now almost 48 hours since my baby was born and I still hadn’t seen her. They cleared me to get out of bed and wheeled me to the NICU. It was pretty surreal. I never imagined delivering her so early. She was so tiny in the isolette, but so perfect in every way. My husband was amazing. He did not take her out of the isolette or hold her until I got there. He insisted to all of the nurses that I be the first one to hold her. Although in retrospect this makes me feel guilty that she didn’t get to feel our love until almost 48 hours later, I like to believe that she knew we were there for her since our entire families came in and out surrounding the isolette until I was able to go visit. By the time I saw her she was off of the vent and C-Pap. She was breathing fine on her own. They fed her with a tube just for one more day. By 3 days old we were able to give her a bottle. She didn’t look like a preemie, just like a tiny little baby. For 33w, she did absolutely amazing and better than anyone expected.

When I left the NICU I was sent back to the regular post-partum section of the hospital. This is the only part of the experience that I felt was terrible decision making. I was just off magnesium and morphine and I hadn’t even walked around at all, and I was put into a room with three other people – all of which had vaginal deliveries and had their babies there with them. I honestly felt like they just threw me in the jungle, it was really a horrible few hours. I was so sick I was throwing up (which I hadn’t done previously since 2003!!), and I was stuck in a room with all of these happy mothers with their babies while mine was in the NICU. After a few hours of pleading and being sick, they finally moved me into another room that was a double, where the other mom was also recovering from a c-section (although she too had her baby with her).

Following all of this I became insanely bloated. Now when I say insanely, I mean it was painful how bloated I was. After going through IVF I had ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS), and gained 9lbs of fluid in 48 hours. I thought that was as bloated as I could get, but I was wrong. Even the doctor agreed that my belly was more distended from being bloated than it was when I was 33w pregnant!! Apparently my bowels were looped and my intestines hadn’t started working again yet which caused a TON of trapped gas. I couldn’t eat anything because there was nowhere for it to go. I was put back on IV fluids and was told to walk as much as possible to get everything moving. You actually have to pass gas in order to get everything moving again down there!! At this point I had also developed a nasty cough as a result of the collapsed lung and it was difficult to cough due to the incision and the staples and the bloating. It did take a good 24 hours before I really started to feel better.

Four days after my c-section I was released from the hospital. Emily spent 3.5 weeks in the NICU, mostly to grow and maintain her body temperature. She didn’t have any of the classic preemie issues. A few days after I was released from the hospital Emily was moved from the intensive NICU to a step-down room where babies go before they go home. I feel so blessed that she is here and that we both are healthy. At this point she has shown no ill effects of her early arrival. She is one year old today and is really the happiest baby. About a week after her birth the lactation consultants and the NICU nurses helped me nurse her. Emily was amazing – she knew what to do on instinct even though I had no idea where to start! She latched like a champ and although I had a lot of milk supply issues due to the magnesium, the blood loss, the delay in nursing and PCOS, I was able to nurse for 9m until I had literally nothing left. We gave her formula bottles too, but I had to come to terms with the fact that she would never get to a point where she was exclusively getting breastmilk. I know she got everything I can give her – either by nursing or pumping.

Anyway I think I’ve gone over all of the finer details. It was a crazy experience, not one minute of it was like anything I expected it to be. After an uneventful pregnancy I never would’ve guessed that pre-eclampsia and HELLP would cause me to deliver at 33w. But it is what it is. I was sad about it for a while but I am slowly healing and getting over it. And now I look at my amazing little girl and I know it was all worth it and I would do it over in a second – complications and all!!

tags: birth, birth stories, birth stories on demand, NICU, preemie, placenta accreta, HELLP syndrome, preeclampsia, toxemia, magnesium sulfate, general anesthetic, emergency c-section

Lorry's Birth of Dagmar

Lorry's Birth of Dagmar     

This birth story was used my permission from Lorry's blog here:

http://www.alteredsky.net/blog/?p=113

the birth story

September 12th, 2008 | Author: Lorry

Introducing Dagmar Lee Fach-Pedersen

September 10, 2008

9:45am CET

Herlev, Denmark

3430 grams / 7 lb 8 oz

53 cm / 21 in  

I started feeling contractions here and there about a week before, including a false alarm when the hospital sent me home at a mere 1cm dilation. By the morning of September 7th, I was having them every 3-5 minutes. They were quite painful, and I was so sure it was really labor. We called the hospital. Since my contractions lasted less than a minute and a half, they didn’t want me to come in yet. The midwife said I should get some sleep instead, but I found myself unable to sleep through them.

The contractions were still coming and getting stronger on the 8th. We called the hospital again, and they decided to check me out. Baby’s fine but I’m only 2cm dilated. I got some pain killers and a sleep aid so I could at least get some sleep in the meantime. We went back home, I took the pills, and I was able to get 15 minute snippets of sleep in between waking up screaming in pain. Sadly, this was an improvement.

Back to the hospital on the morning of the 9th, the contractions still not having let up at all, and… 2cm dilated. I managed not to break down in tears. The midwife attempted to make me feel better by saying I was now completed effaced, whereas I wasn’t yesterday. I guess that’s something. They offered me morphine and another sleep aid, and a room in the hospital while I got some sleep. I got wheeled around in a hospital bed for the first time as they transferred me from labor and delivery to some place Thomas and I could sleep. I’m so grateful they never once made us separate and Thomas was always always with me!!!

I slept for two hours which was like heaven, then it was back to painful and totally unproductive contractions. After a couple more hours I was at 3cm, and Inger, the midwife, suggested we try to help nature out a bit. I thought that sounded like a great idea! Heck yeah, I thought.

So as soon as there was space in labor and delivery, down we went. More rolling hospital bed excitement. Someone who entered the room to deliver sheets or something saw me and remarked how uncomfortable I looked. She said she would bring me something to prop my legs up. I wondered how bad I looked, and why my legs needed propping up, but didn’t ask. Inger explained that she’d be giving me an artificial version of a hormone my uterus makes to help my contractions do some real work. I didn’t ask, but I assume it was pitocin. When a bean bag was placed in the room, on the extra bed, I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was a comforter for the bed or something. It was a while later before someone realized it was there and put it under my legs. I didn’t like it there at all and had them remove it again. At some point, a birth ball was brought in and Inger suggested I try sitting on it to see if it helped. It was awful. I got back on the bed instead.

Inger was periodically checking me and I was actually dilating now. In between checks, I was pretty free to move around and get in different positions, but, really, everything was just painful. During one check, hours later, my waters broke and they were tinged green with meconium. Inger said my contractions would be stronger now, so we discussed my options for pain. The “bee stings” option sounded pretty stupid to me. They can stick a few needles in me every hour and it’s supposed to take my mind off the contractions. Um, no thanks. Of course, an epidural was an option, but I decided to try the laughing gas first. The laughing gas was good. My HypnoBabies, if nothing else, taught me how to breathe deeply and that was an immense help, both before and after getting the gas. Thomas commented that I smiled for the first time in a long time after a few deep breaths with that wonderful mask.

Dagmar’s vitals were always shown to be perfect, no matter what was going on with me, which was at least nice to hear. I was still trying different positions and such but nothing really helped at all except that wonderful, beautiful mask, and putting every ounce on concentration on counting while I breathed. 1, 2, 3, 4 in and 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 out. My whole being went into those numbers. I never said anything out loud, but I screamed those numbers internally. The numbers were my friends.

The pitocin seemed to be working. I got to 8cm relatively quickly, although it still felt like an eternity Then everything just stopped. Well, not everything. I still had lots of contractions and lots of pain, but no improvement. I wasn’t getting much break between contractions anymore and we had to turn the gas up, but I just wasn’t dilating anymore. This is about when I started feeling the urge to push, even though I clearly wasn’t ready to.

At first, I was pretty successful at not pushing, but it became increasingly difficult. Pushing when I know full well it’s a bad idea for both me and my baby, but having no control over it, is probably the most painful, frustrating, exhausting thing I’ve ever done… physical, emotional and intellectual hell. By now, Inger’s shift had been over for a while but there was no one available to take over so she had stayed with me. Someone else finally arrived, and she probably told me her name but I wasn’t really paying attention. We had seen her once before on one of the trips to the hospital where we got sent home again, and she was very nice. There was another woman with her who I assumed was in training since she mostly just watched, and when she did do stuff, she was less confident about it, but she was very nice. The new midwife examined me while the Asian trainee looked on. I desperately wanted her to announce I was fully dilated and could push. No luck. 8cm. She decided to notify a doctor while trainee looked after me, telling me not to push.

It seemed about ten years later when the doctor arrived, and she too was being shadowed by an Asian woman. Maybe there is some kind of exchange program, but I really didn’t care enough to ask. The doctor thought maybe she could push the remaining cervix out of the way and let me push, but that just hurt a hell of a lot and didn’t work. She decided to do a scan and determine the baby’s position, which was sunny side up and with a poorly tilted head. Despite all efforts, Dagmar would just not tilt her head properly to get out. We were pretty much out of options, and I was most definitely out of energy.

The doctor said we’d need to do a cesarean and asked me if that was ok. I said, “I don’t care. I just want it to end.” And so I was wheeled away once more to an operating room nearby. Apparently this was less than 15 minutes before Dagmar was born, but it still felt like forever. Everything had to be done between contractions, which were still coming fast and strong. I didn’t really want to know what was happening, just that things were moving forward. I closed my eyes and felt various random things happen to me one at a time with contractions in between and people telling me repeatedly not to push. Most of what was going on was talked about in Danish, so I only understood what I needed to, i.e. instructions to me specifically. I appreciated that.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my mother had run from the room in hysterics at the mention of cesarean and someone was calming her down in the waiting room. (Mom said later that a woman assured her by saying, “some babies need to come out the escape hatch!” amongst other things.)

Thomas was next to me, having instantly appeared with a hair net and weird blue zippered shirt. He held my hand and told me how wonderful I was doing, which generally kept me from going insane. He told me later he was very nearly crying as well, but I had no clue at the time. I just remember him being amazing. I remember really cold stuff being poured over my back a couple times, and being needled in the hand and the back, but nothing nearly as uncomfortable as labor. The epidural finally kicked in and the hell of contractions ended for the first time in days. I might have cried with happiness, except I was soooooo cold. I couldn’t stop shivering. But this was still way better.

I laid there shivering, and feeling weird pulling sensations on my lower half, and then suddenly “it’s a big, beautiful baby girl!” I felt like my smile would hit the walls of the room. Thomas went with her as they took her away to be checked out by a pediatrician. I only got a quick glimpse of her before she was gone, but I really didn’t care. It was over. Thomas is with her. Everything is fine. I laid there shivering some more while they did whatever they do to patch me back up again.

Thomas came back in with her a few minutes later, and held her next to me, though I couldn’t move. That was a bit frustrating, but I was still mostly elated. It wasn’t too long before they transferred me to another bed, laid Dagmar on my chest, and wheeled me to recovery while I just stared at my daughter grinning.

Once in recovery, Thomas helped me attempt to nurse her since I only had one mobile arm (the other tethered to an IV) and she took right to breast with no issue. It was so easy I actually thought it must not really be working, but everyone assured me it was. After several hours, I got feeling back in my legs and one final bed ride to the rooms where people recover from cesareans. There was already a bed in the room, in addition to the one I wheeled in on. The midwife gave Thomas a set of sheets for the other bed, and a bassinet was wheeled in for Dagmar, though she primarily stayed on my chest. Someone took some blood “to check [my] percentages,” whatever that means. I don’t really care. A couple times, people came in to check on us. Her latch was good. I asked for more morphine. My bandage was changed. (Ooowww!) I was encouraged to walk about as soon as I felt ready.

Thomas fetched us dinner from some common area. Stuck in bed, I didn’t know exactly where it was, but it was some area just for us cesarean recoverers. I was starving, and the food was actually pretty decent. I kept getting refills on a pitcher of red juice.

I started to feel a bit better and thought I’d try getting out of bed. I paged a nurse, and she was very patient as I slowly attempted. It was a lot harder than I expected. The whole sitting up part, in transition between lying and standing, was awful. Once I was standing, it was ok, but then I noticed blood running down my leg. Maybe I’ll try again later. The nurse helped me clean up. A while later, someone came in with a bunch of pills and instructions on when to take them. Painkillers, antibiotics, laxatives. I took several at 10 pm.

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 Tags: birth, birth story, birth stories on demand, cesarean section, cesarean stories, c section stories, extended pushing, 

Cesarean Birth is a Variation of Normal

"bond the hell out that experience"  ~ Ruth Rodley

Stacey's Birth of Alyssa

Alyssa’s birth

My daughter’s pregnancy was definitely not an easy one but very worth it in the end. I must start at the beginning to tell our story so here it is. Sorry it is very long:

It all started July 15^th 2011. I had been on birth control for over three months. I was recently diagnosed with Degenerative disk disease and told to not have anymore children as it would be extremely hard on my back. I had also worked really hard over the previous months and had lost 60 lbs which I was very proud of myself for. I believe it was this weight loss that helped me get through my pregnancy.

Anyways I had just gone to the doctor to talk about an easier birth control. I was to come back the following week for my first shot of depo. Well he had said my period should have started but we would go ahead and start anyways because my periods were already irregular. My last one lasting three weeks. When I got home I kept thinking about the fact that my period was late and not just a day or two. More like two weeks. So I took a test and what do ya know, POSITIVE! I ran right back into my doctors office that day and they gave me a blood test. His receptionist called me the next day and confirmed. She also changed my appointment date for two weeks later and sent me for an ultrasound for dating and making sure the baby was ok.  After all I had been on birth control for three months.

I went to my ultrasound and was told I was seven to eight weeks pregnant and the baby looked great. I was given a due date of March 19^th, 2012.  I was very happy that my baby was healthy but I was extremely worried about my back. The risks they told me about and how come I shouldn’t have another baby. So at my appointment I had a very long talk with my doctor.  He decided that the right thing for the two of us would be a c-section as we feared that my back could barely handle the weight of the baby let alone contractions. This was proven later on.

Well from then on things seemed fine. Barely any morning sickness buts lots of cravings for pizza lol which led me to think I was having a boy. Boy was I wrong. Two months went by and everything was going good. Weight gain was perfect; baby was growing nicely, no extra back pain. And I found out on Halloween that I was having a girl. Then the whole family got sick with Strep throat, myself included. It would not let up. At 21 weeks pregnant I was so sick and could barely move. My friends whom are also my neighbors came over and decided I needed to go to the hospital. My friend drove me in and my other friend watched my kids. Well at the hospital they found that my strep throat was not just strep throat anymore. I had pneumonia. And as an added kicker I was leaking amniotic fluid from coughing so much. Here I thought it was urine.

So they kept me for five days on IV medications. A couple days after being admitted they started talking about sending me to London in case I delivered her due to the leak. Luckily that did not happen but I did get a scare one night when out of the blue I started contracting really hard. I kept thinking ok this is it. They didn’t do much which scared me more.  I remember talking to my mom on the phone curled up in a ball praying that my little girl was stronger than this and that this was not it. I passed out from complete exhaustion and woke up the next morning with no contractions. They were gone. I truly believe someone up there was watching out for us. Well after that my pneumonia seemed to be breaking down and healing and since I had no more contractions my doctor decided to let me go home on strict bed rest. I also had to come back at the end of the week for steroid shots just in case.

Well we made it to the shots and out of pure luck we made it to Christmas. I thought for sure I would have been two hours away for Christmas the way the doctors were talking when I was in the hospital. But here we were and we had a huge dinner with all my family and friends and I was even able to get all my Christmas shopping done thanks to a lot of help from my friends and family of course.

Shortly after Christmas I stopped leaking. It was unreal. It felt like things were going great finally. My doctor even told me I could go off bed rest. The next month went by quickly. I finished all my shopping for the baby and felt ready for my last month of pregnancy.

Well then went my back. My goodness I felt as if I couldn’t stand to live. The pain was unbearable. I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for awhile now but they were stronger and with each contraction my back would scream. Finally I could take it no more. My friend brought me to the hospital. They gave me hot blankets and a shot of Demerol and gravel then sent me home. This was Thursday Feb 16^th. I had an appointment to see my OB on Wed Feb 22^nd. That whole week I was in so much pain and nothing would help. Contractions followed by horrible back pain. I could barely walk. Getting up and sleeping was the most difficult of tasks. I went to see my doctor on Wed and it was so jammed in there. I had to wait around two hours and by the time I got in I was practically in tears from the pain and my bp was elevated due to this.  After talking to my doctor he decided there was no reason to stay pregnant any longer.  So he stripped my membrane but just in case it didn’t work he scheduled my c-section for March 13^th. He was hoping my water would break and I would deliver my daughter in the next couple days. Well that didn’t happen. Instead my pain got worse and I ended up in the hospital that Friday for pain control. I was admitted and put on IV. Finally I got some relief.

Well on Sunday it all began. My dad had come out just hours before for a visit. He lives a little ways out so it was a nice surprise. After my dad left I had dinner then went to the washroom. Well I got to get up and POP! And then it went all over the floor. I thought no way that wasn’t my water breaking. So I cleaned myself up and got back in bed. As soon as I laid down, there went another gush. Ok now that is definitely my water. I rang the nurse’s bell and my wonderful nurse came running in. She was one of my favourites.  She checked me and confirmed it was my water. She did an NST and it showed consistent contractions to go with. Yay! it looked like I would get to meet my little girl soon. Well she knew I was to go for a c-section so she brought down all her findings immediately to the doctor on call. Not mine. Mine was in Aruba on vacation. Lol. He failed to tell me this before stripping my membranes lol. Anyways no big deal. Well while my nurse was off doing what she needed to do she had told me to call my family before she left so that is what I did. I called everyone. My mother, brother and my son was there in minutes. So excited. My mother in law was on her way with my girls and my friends were also on their way.

Well next thing I knew I was in labor and delivery and they were preping me for my c-section.  Changing my IV, I was on the monitor. They said because I had dinner I had to wait five hours for surgery. Great. Well we were waiting for the anesthesiologist to come in to get me ready there was a shift change. And the most unfriendly nurse walked in. I remember my mom saying. Wow what’s up with her. Well after her being my nurse for all of a half hour she comes into my room and starts asking me all these questions. I was now only dripping not gushing but that was after five hours from the time my water broke. My contractions were still not going up in intensity but that’s fine because I needed pitocin for three of my other kids. She was really worked up over this. I really wasn’t getting why she was freaking out. She then announced to the room that she didn’t think my water is broken now mind you this was already confirmed by the previous staff. Anyways all of a sudden the doctor comes in. They put me on stirrups.  But don’t bother to lock them in so when the doctor asked me to move down I did but took the stirrups with me. The doctor put the speculum in and tests for fluid. It comes out the same color as before. Then out of nowhere he pulls the speculum out. Barely undoing it so yep I got a nice cut from that one. I remember letting out a nice screech. He then cleans up and says he see no fluid coming from my cervix so I wasn’t getting my c-section that night. He said that I could go back to my room, have a pain pill and I could deal with the doctor in the morning.

I kept saying I don’t understand, I don’t understand. I gushed, I’ve been leaking there is contractions light but there. They tested me and confirmed. The doctor was rude and came around and told I was not having the baby tonight and that was it. I was so upset. I looked at the nurse and said please explain this to me. She was so rude. She told me that the test can be positive if it was pee. I told her I was not an idiot and know how those tests work. She said well then it was a faulty test. I told her it was the same color as it was now and she brushed me off. All my family was at the hospital. The original nurse told me to call my family. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for hours. And for what? Nothing! I was devastated. But then things got worse. The nurse was getting crueler by the second. Basically calling me a liar. My mother mentioned that my doctor stripped my membranes and she looked right at me and said he didn’t do that. That he wouldn’t do that because I was to have a c-section. I yelled at her and told her she didn’t know what she was talking about. The conversation got very heated and she got right in my face. I just couldn’t take the crap anymore. I screamed right in her face to get the hell out mine. Just before this argument I had my mother tell the nurse to come take my IV out that I was leaving and going home. I was just so upset. They even tried blaming the sweet nurse that brought me in. Well the nasty nurse came in and took my IV out but she wasn’t watching what she was doing and just put a band aid on me and walk out. Well my hand ended up bleeding out all over me and the floor. After the big argument I grabbed my bag, walked out of L&D and asked my friend to drive me home all well my hand was bleeding out. Luckily I am a medical assistant so I fixed my hand myself quickly. Everyone was upset. I could still hear my family asking the doctor and nurse question after question.

I got to the elevator and another gush hit me. Now I’m gushing again and in pain and bleeding everywhere and they wont do shit. My friend brought me home and my kids went with my mom. I was so upset I couldn’t talk to anyone. My family showed up shortly after and put the kids to bed and cleaned up. I fell asleep to the sounds of my family walking around the house and talking about what had just happened. That night was horrible. Contractions, bleeding, light leaking, then waking up soaked. I really didn’t know what to do.  8 am on Feb 27^th 2012 my mother convinced me to call my doctors office. My doctor still wasn’t back in but his partner was and since I had an appointment that day I called in. They already had all the information and begged me to come in immediately. I was hesitant but the nurse was so upset over what had happened and promised me I would be in good hands. So I agreed.  I brought my mom and asked her not to leave me for a minute. I was scared to be treated like I was the night before.

Well the doctor came in shortly and helped me on the table. He said he had to put the speculum in but I started crying. It hurt badly last time and told him this. He promised to be very careful. Well I was so nervous and must have cramped up my stomach that I leaked all over him. I thought I peed on him from nerves at first but he assured me it was amniotic fluid. He also did an in office ultrasound and confirmed that my fluid was dramatically down. He told me that my c-section was being bumped up and he would be right back in to tell me the time. Well he came in and my mom and I were talking. He said ok I scheduled you for 5pm tonight. My mom just turned around and said really? He smiled and said yes.  I remember just before he went out to schedule the c-section I was tearing up and said I wish my doctor was here and that I thrust him he is really good to me. My doctors partner looked at me and said its ok but you need to thrust in me now. You can thrust me. He made me feel so much better. Well this was early morning so now we needed to get my stuff together and set up someone to pick the kids up from school so my mom could be there for me when I went in. I had to be at triage for 2:30pm to prep for surgery. I was so excited but nervous. I told my mom I was exhausted and needed to sleep. So I went home tidied up a little and went to bed. Mind you still in alot of pain. My mother picked me up for just after 2pm and we headed to the hospital. It was so nice to be doing this with my mom by my side.

We got to triage just after 2:30pm after registering downstairs. They brought me up by wheel chair as I was still in pain and it was just easier and they insisted. I was handed over to a woman whom introduced herself as Alyssa. When she said her name I asked her to repeat herself and when she did I told her what I was naming my daughter. Wow what a coincidence. Then the nurse came in. Alyssa and I had been talking but last night’s events had not come up just yet. Not until the other nice nurse came in. She brought up that I had been there the past few days but didn’t understand why I was coming from home. I assumed they already knew so I said I left last night after what happened. The nurse didn’t understand and asked me to explain. Recalling that night was difficult and so I was tearing up while telling her. The nurse looked like she was going to hit someone. She apologized for what I went through and told me that would have never happened on her clock. NEVER! The nurse looked at Alyssa and asked her to get to the bottom of this. I was then let in on the fact that Alyssa as young as she was, which I thought she might have been a student was actually in charge of the whole department. Unreal. She was so nice and told me she wanted me to report the nurse and the doctor and promised that my experience from here on out would be as pleasant as possible and she would make sure of it. She never left my side. What a wonderful women.

I then met the nurse that was going to be in the operating room with me and we went through the details of my surgery. Then the anesthesiologist was brought in to do my IV and to find out a few more things from me. We decided on spinal intravenous. He said it would do no harm to my back condition. He was right. If anything it helped. They then brought me in. My mom on one side with the operating nurse and Alyssa standing next to us. The whole surgery went by so fast. But I remember them having me sit on the edge of the table to put the IV in my back. Laying me down then having a warm fuzzy feeling that I can only describe as wearing very warm heated pants that covered my feet. It was a little much for me at first. The warm feeling climbed a little and the anesthesiologist showed me how to breathe so I would be comfortable. Once I got the hang of it I was very comfortable. I was very nervous though. I had heard horror stories and people saying how they could feel alot of pressure and felt them cut them.

I kept saying in tears I don’t want to feel them cut me. Please don’t let me feel it. My mom was holding my arm gently and Alyssa was holding my hand. Alyssa then announced ok your baby is coming out your going to hear her.  I said what they already cut me. She smiled and said yes it’s almost all over.  She later told me she didn’t want to tell me when they were cutting me because I was so nervous. She definitely made the right call. Well just then I heard my baby girl let out her first cry. I was in awe. The feeling I had at that moment was of complete love. It was so overwhelming. I just kept saying I wanted to see her. They said she was small which was weird because my uterus was measuring so large and she was estimated as 7-8 pounds through ultrasounds. Just shows how off those machines can be with weight. Anyways I could hear her being taken care of and my mom and I were all teary eyed waiting for her. Alyssa then told me that they were almost finished and my placenta was out. She then started giving me the play by play which was nice now that I knew I wasn’t going to feel much. They brought my daughter over and handed her over my mom so I could see her. My hands were strapped down so I couldn’t touch her at first. The nurse immediately released my one arm so I could touch my daughter’s sweet face. I kissed her and then they handed my mom my daughter.

They called over that she was born at 6:07pm and weighed 5 lbs 12 ozs and was nineteen inches long. Wow I really did think she was alot bigger than that. So my mom and I drooled over my precious daughter for a little while, while they worked on me. I was holding my daughter when Alyssa said she had to hand her to my mom for a minute that I was going to start feeling some pushing and pulling and pressure because they were about to tie my tubes. My little girl is my fifth so I had decided since I was going to have a c-section they might as well tie my tubes at the same time. Sure enough I did but I wasn’t uncomfortable. It was just a weird feeling. It kind of felt as if they laid a box on my upper abdomen and was rummaging around in it. Seriously did not hurt just was a weird sensation. They were done this in a short time and the next thing I heard was the operating nurse saying they were stitching me up and my doctors partner saying good bye and congratulations. What a nice man. I never did meet the other doctor that assisted but that was ok I didn’t need to I know his name and he obviously did a good job.  They then took the curtain down from where my head was and a nurse told me she was cleaning me up. She smiled and said the operating stuff they put on my belly was sticky and everywhere and just didn’t want to come off. LOL and said she hoped she wasn’t making me uncomfortable as she knew I could feel a little now. It just felt like she was rubbing my belly. No big deal and I told her that. 

My daughter was brought into another room to check her over for a moment. I was 37 weeks on the dot when she was born so they just wanted a quick stat report on her and would bring her back by the time I left the operating room. I told my mom to go with her.

The nurses were so sweet. They moved me very quickly and got me dressed in record time. Just as they were about to wheel me to recovery my beautiful daughter was handed back to me. We went straight into recovery and we were checked over in there.  I couldn’t move which was really weird to me. The nurse asked me to try moving my toes but nothing I did would move them. She said that was fine and it would come back soon enough. She then left me saying congratulations. Alyssa left then too. I thanked her for being so good to me. That she really changed my view on the hospital for the good once again. They washed my daughter up a little, changed her bum and handed her back to me. My mom then told me that the waiting room was jammed with family and friends and that the kids were there.  My dad, my friends, my kids, everyone. I was so excited and apparently they were too. They just couldn’t wait to see her so my mom took a quick video of my daughter Alyssa (I will refer to her by her name from here on out) I asked if I could nurse Alyssa and the nurse said if I was up for it that I could for sure. She put me to a semi sitting position and handed me Alyssa. I went to nurse her and squirted the poor girl in the eye. Both the nurse and I were very surprised. She said in all the time she worked in there she had never seen a new mother squirt out milk like that. That usually it will take a few days for that to happen. Funny that happened several times in the hospital. (Poor kid, lol) Well Alyssa latched on like a champ, like she knew exactly what she needed to do and filled up quickly. It was a lovely experience nursing my beautiful girl for the first time. Well after I finished nursing they decided to clean me up again and Alyssa and wheeled us out.

Oh what a sight it was to be wheeled out of recovery and past the waiting room. The whole room came alive when we passed the waiting room. Everyone circled my bed. I felt we were so loved. All these wonderful people here to celebrate my little Alyssa’s birth. What an amazing day this had become. Especially after the night before. I was in a state of awe.

When we got to my room they quickly moved me over to my bed and put warm blankets on me as I was shivering from the anesthetic. I was starting to feel pain in my stomach so they gave me a little pain medication before leaving me to visit with my family.

For the next few hours people were pouring in. Everyone wanted to see Alyssa. It was a great experience. Then I met my nurse that was going to take care of me on afternoons the duration of my stay. Oh my I couldn’t stop smiling. I was the nurse that brought me into L&D the night before. The one that told me my water broke was moved over to take care of me. Alyssa the head of the department made sure she was brought over and also made sure she was not hurt over the night before as they were blaming her as well. It was so nice to have her there. She stayed and talked awhile. Told us how she didn’t understand what happened that she gave them all the evidence they needed and talked directly with the doctor. She was very upset over it all and apologized for the ordeal although I told her that it was not her fault she felt so bad.

Well the first days after surgery were a little difficult. I pushed to move though and only six hours after surgery I was getting up and going to the bathroom myself. My catheter was out and so was my IV. I felt so free. I did have a hard time getting around still but my nurse came in and helped me to the bathroom as much as possible. Also my mother and brother stayed the night to help me out with Alyssa. It was so nice to have my family there. In the morning they asked me to walk around. It was so difficult but I did it. I walked the hall. I had to stop every so often though. When I got back I was so sore. They gave me a shot for pain. That night the pulling of my incision was really bad so my mother asked my neighbor to bring me some control underwear from my house when she came up to see me. Thank goodness they did.  That night I walked the hall twice. Those panties were a life saver. Any woman that gets a c-section should have a good supply of control underwear. They hold your stomach up so your incision isn’t being pulled downward. Oh it was so much better than regular underwear.

Alyssa and I bonded in the hospital for 30 hours then were released. Alyssa is nursing great and I am feeling better with every day. Alyssa’s birth to me was an overall good experience. Her pregnancy wasn’t the greatest although feeling her move inside me was amazing but her birth was perfect.

However I did end up with a sinus infection and had major fevers right afterwards and Alyssa dropped twelve ounces from being sleepy from all the medication I was given but she started to gain afterwards very quickly and my sinus infection is pretty much gone.  At eight days old.

When Alyssa was a little over two weeks old tradagy hit home. I was asleep next to my little girl when I was woken up by horrible pain in the left side of my chest. The pain started off feeling like a pin then grew to what I can only descrribe as a pole going through to my back and radiating down my left arm. It was unbareable and I was barely able to call 911 before the pain got worse and I started getting this squeezinf feeling that caused me to have a very hard time breathing. When the EMTs arrived they realized that I had no feeling on my left side and absolutely no mobility. At the hospital they sent me for test after test, CAT with and without blue dye, chest x-ray, blood tests, ultrasounds and this weird blood test that required tweleve vials, etc, etc... He said they were checking for cloting I think. I was on a heart monitor all night long and after two weeks I am at home with a heart monitor. They confirmed through testing that I had a TIA(Transient ischemic attack )and that it was caused by a blot clot. Thank goodness there was no damage done by the stroke I only have weekness but they said they will need to do alot more testing for my heart. They are not sure what if any damage was done to my heart but they believe that the clot caused a mild heart attack as well and that the stroke came directly afterwords.

Today Alyssa is one month she is beautiful. Her back is so strong and tries to pull her head up while sitting on mamas knee she is a very happy healthy baby that is gaining weight perfectly. She will soon catch up to her siblings.

Tomorrow I turn 31 and I am having yet another test done. This one they are putting me under for and then giving me a scope to gain access to the back of my heart. My day tomorrow may not be fun but today has. My girl is one month old. We never thought we’d get here but we did. I love you very much my sweet pea.

Ladies if you have a c-section make sure to walk as much as possible. Blood clots CAN happen. I remember the nurses telling me to get up and walk around that if I didn’t I could get a blood clot. I never in a million years thought it could cause this and I did walk around just not as much as I should have I guess.

Moments after she was born all goopy from birth

Our first time nursing (in recovery)