Janet's Birth of a Daughter

It took me a year to start to dissect my c - section and begin to question my midwife, S - who I had previously ensconced on a pedestal. She gave us so much information on the pros and cons of home vs. hospital during the 22 hours of antenatal classes we attended, and is still one of the most knowledgeable people on the subject of birth that I have ever met. I became so radically opposed to everything to do with hospital that in the end, the sense of failure and mortification I had to bear when I ended up in that dreadful place was unbearable.  

We had decided on a home birth because two very good friends had had home births with S. So we managed to get in early – she is very busy and takes no more than 6 clients a month. We thought we were so lucky. During the next 8 months she pumped us full of info, helped my husband to understand why circumcision was unnecessary and harmful, set my mind at rest as to the necessity of drugs in labour and sent us to sex and vaccination talks. She showed us the science of natural, drug free and non interventionist birth and why it was better for mothers and babies. She made us feel safe and sure in the knowledge we were cared for by the best homebirth midwife in our city.  

So when my back up gynae told me at 39 weeks that my oversize baby was going to have to be born by 41 weeks or he would induce me, she sent me for acupuncture to get baby to engage. 2 days later I sat up in bed and felt a tiny gush. A little squirt, no more than a quarter cup of fluid. I smelled it and it was definitely amniotic fluid. I called S immediately, excited. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘’unfortunately it sounds like a hind water break but I have to notify your doctor. You have 6 hours to go into labour.’ I was a little taken aback – surely we could give it a day or so, she had spoken about the difference between hind waters and fore-waters and said that a hind leak was not a problem – she had been telling us all along that my body should not be rushed or timed. So I spent the day going back and forth to the acupuncturist, lying painfully in the dark with electric needles in my body. The doctor gave us 12 hours at first, then 24, but in the end, after a sleepless night and 5 sessions of acupuncture each 45 minutes long, we ended up in hospital. My doctor arrived, as did S. He handed over the meds which she administered, a dose of gel applied to my cervix. It stung. We waited for ages for it to work, eventually about 2 hours later I started having mild contractions, which slowly got stronger and stronger. When I had dilated enough, S checked and found my fore waters were intact. ‘Excellent’ she said, ‘you can go home, your contractions will stop.’ They were starting to feel pretty powerful and I asked what would happen if they didn’t stop. ‘They will.’ S replied, ‘Tell your body to stop contracting, have a bath and eat some carbs. I have 2 moms due before you so you need to wait your turn.’ (Um… didn’t you tell me that due dates are different for every woman?)  

So we went home at around 4 o clock. The contractions were getting stronger and stronger, more and more painful. My husband, exhausted, went to watch TV while I lay in the bath, sore and uncomfortable. I had a bowl of mashed potatoes and waited for these contractions to die down. At about 5 I asked him to time them, which he did from the other room – timing my loud unhappy moans. 2 to 2.5 minutes apart and 1 minute long. When he came in and I looked at the times I said ‘Call S’ ‘No.’ he said, ‘She said they would go away.’  

By this stage I felt like such an idiot, like everyone was exasperated with me and my stupid body was not cooperating and I couldn’t get my stupid mind to stop my stupid body from doing the wrong thing.  ‘Just call her.’ I pleaded. So he did. He came back in a few minutes later and said ‘S says you need to relax and tell your body to stop contracting. One dose of gel is not enough to start labour.’ This was about 6 o clock. At 8 he called her again. I had been in the bath for 3 hours and had noticed that the baby seemed to have changed position, from anterior to posterior - which in retrospect seems to be from reclining int he tub for so long. S said if I was still contracting in half an hour he should call again and she’d come. My husband had been in the TV room all evening, occasionally stepping in to ‘check’ on me and tell me to relax. Eventually at 9 S arrived. I was in the bedroom by now, tired of being wet and uncomfortable in the bath. I was mooing through my very uncomfortable contractions and she immediately admonished me and told me to breathe a different way. It felt wrong but I did it, wanting to be a good girl. She examined me and I had not dilated any more than the 1cm I had been at at 3 o clock that day. (Small wonder as I was so desperately trying to stop labour, how could my cervix dilate while I was in that state of mind) S drew another bath and told me to get in it. She said she was going to get these contractions to stop and we were all going to get a good nights sleep, and that the baby was not ready to be born. ‘Relax. Stop contracting.’ Uh… ok, how? 

About an hour later she called my doula, who arrived at around 11, A. A was a lovely woman who only works as a doula for S, all S’s mothers use her. I barely saw A as she and my husband ran around filling the birth pool which took until 3 in the morning. I was told to get out the bath as it seemed I was in labour after all. I made a cake while everyone bustled around me. I dropped to my knees for every contraction, sometimes onto my side. I was given another ve at some stage and I think S swept the membrane but I was pretty out of it and very sore – my spine felt like it was breaking apart. (Baby HAD gone posterior). I laboured with almost no contact from any of them – DH and A were running around trying to fill the tub, S was writing in her book and timing me. It was a very surreal space. I am by nature a tactile and affectionate and very social person and I barely remember DH touching me once or twice but I also remember there was a grim atmosphere – as if I was doing it all wrong and letting everyone down. When I was in the tub (blissful relief) I slept between contractions, and then, without consulting me, DH was sent to sleep in the lounge and S and A observed me. The only time I received any encouragement was when I said, during a contraction ‘I am a birth warrior’ (something I had wanted to chant in labour but had only just remembered) A came and touched my shoulder and said ‘You are incredibly brave.’ 

This was all wrong. I wanted DH in the tub with me – but apparently his getting a little sleep was more important. I wanted to be coached and inspired, but I was being clinically observed. I knew already that they were all probably expecting a section, but it hadn’t been said directly. At 6 I got out of the tub for a ve and lay on the bed, legs apart. S turned and saw me and said, sort of sarcastically ‘You don’t have to open your legs yet,  for heavens sake.’ I was embarrassed – still doing the wrong thing it seems. She waited for the next contraction and checked me. By this stage I had been in established labour since 5 the previous afternoon. I was at 1.5cm. S woke DH and they came through and told me it was time to pack a bag. I readily agreed – no tears – I was anxious to get this awkward experience over with, clearly I was not able to birth naturally. 

We went to hospital, me with my bum in the air in the backseat. I felt a shift and said to DH - we were driving separately to S and A - that the contractions felt different and he was to make sure i got another ve in hospital. however, I never did get checked again At the hospital it took 2 hours for it all to get set up. My doctor arrived and explained the surgery – how many different cuts and how he would be closing me, he also gave me pain relief options for afterward. My mom arrived and we held hands as I contracted – the 1^st time anyone had held my hands in my whole labour. S shaved me. I asked S to make sure that the doctor gave me a ve before the surgery just in case I had progressed but this didn’t happen, I think that once the wheels are in motion and the anesthetist and paed and gynae are all there, a section is inevitable, no matter how dilated one may be. I went into theatre with S. The anaesthetist barely grunted at me – clearly upset to be up so early on a Saturday morning. I shook terribly from the spinal, the op started, DH left my side to go see the baby emerge, the paed took my hand (I will always love her for this), baby emerged, doc had to use forceps as she was wedged, they announced the sex, she was put on my chest for 30 seconds before being taken to a nearby table for weighing etc. It all happened so fast! She was 4.35 kilos. Her head was molded on one side so I think she may have engaged and maybe I had begun to dilate properly but I’ll never know, as they hadn’t done a ve before the operation. I was stitched up (watched the whole procedure in my doctors glasses). I remember asking the anaesthetist how long before those horrible, violent shudders would stop and he said ‘By Christmas.’ (Asshole)  

In recovery my in laws were there too. As much as I love them I really didn’t want them there. I didn’t mind my mom being there but all these people post surgery as I was naked and exhausted was not pleasant. S was cool to them to the point of rudeness which exacerbated my discomfort. She tried to teach me to breastfeed before the pethadine wiped me out but with all the fuss and the grandparents she didn’t manage to get through to me and I suffered with ulcerated nipples for 7 weeks because of 24 hours of bad latching. Not one nurse or hospital midwife gave me any breastfeeding advice so my daughter nipple fed until the next day when S came to check on me and corrected my latch. The only feeding advice I got from the nurses was that no less than 3 told me she was too big to breastfeed and I should give her formula and 2 others kept trying to take her away to give her water. 

My stay in hospital was awful. I had to fight off nurses who were nagging me to do the bili test and the PKU test. I had to fight off the paed and the vaccination nurse re vaccinations and I had to deal with at least 10 unnecessary interruptions a day. My husband seemed to be a better parent than me and was able to burp and comfort Ruby when I couldn’t. They also left the catheter in for 2 days so I was stuck in bed. On the 3^rdmorning a woman came in trying to sell me a photo shoot for my baby. I lost it and was labelled a trouble patient. 

I left and had a routine recovery from the section, needed only 3 more days of pain meds and though I struggled with my nipples, I persevered and breastfed for 33 months. I did however, suffer from mild depression and it took me 2 weeks to start to bond with my baby.

I am currently pregnant again and have found a new midwife - one with brilliant stats and a much easier manner... Here's to hoping for an HBAC!

Tags: midwife, birth, birth stories with pictures, c-section, ceserean section, birth stories, home birth, hospital transfer, bad midwife, doula, childbirth stories, child birth stories